'Not on my Nellie,' says one of the girls

Marie Carberry

THINK of this. You've spent hours getting ready and you've finally got everything covered - or have you?


You've hairsprayed your follicles into stiff tendrils that won't move in a force-10 gale, plucked your eyebrows until they no longer look like slugs jumping hurdles, trowelled on the make-up, front loaded your balcony bra with more stuffing than an orthopaedic mattress, shovelled your belly into a pair of XL Magic Knickers - taking care to ensure there is no knicker line - and then jammed yourself into trousers so tight that the pain from your wedgie can be felt as far as your shoulder blades. But it doesn't matter because "There's nothing left that I can think of," said Patsy.

I'm afraid there is. You see, you may have your knicker line covered but what about your nellie line? The girls pondered this awhile before Maggie said, "Are we talking camel toe here?"

Indeed we are. Camel toe -- that dreaded wardrobe glitch that sees your underwear and trousers sucked into your nellie like a sock disappearing up the hose of a vacuum cleaner. Thankfully, for all you sufferers out there who are afraid to step outside the door lest someone points at your nether regions and collapses with laughter, help is now at hand.

Yes luck is with us, ladies, because the Smooth Groove has now been developed which will level our nellies and give them an even line, enabling us to become a fully functioning member of society once again.


Shaped like a shorter and wider version of a shoe horn, the Smooth Groove is made from medical grade polymer which adapts to the shape of your nellie.

The manufacturers gush that: "Thankfully with Smooth Groove, all women can celebrate their figure with a streamlined silhouette from beach to bar. Fitting safely and securely into underwear, Smooth Groove is designed to work with the natural movement of the body to prevent clothing riding up at the front."

The Smooth Groove comes in colours black, white and clear (you get a discount if you buy all three) and is delivered in a satin pouch so as "to store it discreetly in your wardrobe", because you wouldn't want your other half finding it and using it to shoe horn on his smelly, old trainers, now would you?

"You know something," mused Patsy. "The beauty industry spends its time telling us to wax, shave, vajazzle, bejazzle and dehumidify down there and, now, after all that effort, they want us to, like, put a mudguard in our drawers?

"Well, they can go and stuff themselves. We've have had enough. It's time to start a 'Hands off our nellies' protest."

The three of us legged it before she got us to sign up.