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Why don't we reach a climax?


Rosanna Davison. Picture Brian McEvoy

Rosanna Davison. Picture Brian McEvoy

Rosanna Davison. Picture Brian McEvoy

Q A group of my friends came around for dinner over and, of course, sex came up in the conversation after a few drinks.

Mostly, the conversation was about a friend who was finding it hard to kickstart her life after having her first baby. The subject of orgasms came up and all the girls were talking about how often and how many. If I orgasm once a month I'm lucky. I've been with my husband since college and we're now in our late 20s, so I'm not even sure if it's his fault or if I'm just made like this.

Have you any suggestions on how I can up the number of times, as I'm beginning to feel like I'm missing out?

A This is such a personal topic and everybody is different, so there's really no one way of knowing if you're really lagging behind or not in the bedroom. If the number of orgasms you have a month has never been an issue before, then don't let it become one now based on this one conversation.

There is really no point in comparing yourself to others, who may have more desire or opportunity to have frequent fun in the bedroom. Plus, there may be a bit of exaggeration going on for the sake of a good story, too.

My advice is to quit worrying about it and go with what feels normal and achievable for you and your husband. Sex drives differ and everyday life gets in the way. You may want to speak to him about your concerns, or work together to find new ways to spice up your sex life. Have fun with it and try to worry less.

Q I recently bumped into an ex and we ended up talking for ages and having a great laugh. He is currently seeing someone, but says it's not serious, and I've been with my boyfriend for over two years now. I thought it was what I wanted, but now I'm not so sure. I've been thinking about my ex ever since and wondering 'what if?' At the same time, he has made no effort to get my number and didn't suggest that we meet up again. So maybe I am just fantasising and need to concentrate on my boyfriend. Yet you know how it is when someone makes you feel really alive and happy and good. We broke up because I went travelling for the summer.

A This is a difficult situation because of the potential hurt you could cause so many people. You may look back on your relationship with your ex with rose-tinted glasses and forget any of the less wonderful parts of it.

But you have to be realistic. If you have been

happy with your current boyfriend up until this point and it's only now that you're letting the seeds of doubt grow, then it's likely to be a little bit of boredom from the same routine, and can be fixed by focusing on each other and the relationship more.

While your ex may have given you that giddy feeling and butterflies in the tummy, the reality of swapping him for your current man would be very different. Life generally doesn't work like the movies, where you both disappear off into the sunset on horseback.

If it didn't work out with your ex, then what? My advice is to remain on friendly terms but for now put all your energy and focus into your current relationship.

Q I've been with my boyfriend for three months and he wants to borrow €1,000 to put towards a new car. We're both 21, and I have the money since I'm a real saver. I trust him to give it back to me. But I think what's holding me back is that I grew up in a house where my dad paid for everything.

My mum never worked, and just expected everything to be provided for her. I'm a bit old-fashioned as a result, and don't really feel comfortable about a man who wants to borrow money from a woman. Am I hopelessly out-of-date?

APlease don't think of yourself as 'out of date' or old-fashioned. These are your beliefs and it's important that those close to you respect them. However, I don't see it as a big problem if your boyfriend wants to borrow the money as long as he will pay it back as soon as he possibly can. You will be doing him a huge and generous favour, and his access to a new car may bring added benefits for you, too.

I also believe that it is important for women to be independent and to be capable of providing for themselves.

For you to lend your boyfriend the money would be an important step for you in altering your mindset about gender roles and it would also guarantee a new-found level of respect from your boyfriend.