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My life, like that of most people, is too dull for Twitter

A friend of a friend recently asked if I was on Twitter. "Of course not," I said. I went on to explain that I, like 99pc of people, am simply not interesting enough for Twitter. After all, what messages would I possibly tweet on a daily basis: "did yoga, again" or "had tuna and coleslaw for lunch, again".

I don't think the good people of Twitter-land are ready for that level of excitement, it would be far too "fasten your seat belt".

In my life, I generally fasten my seat belt before I go to Superquinn in my Nissan Micra, while making a mental note to stock up on some Benecol. Do we really need to follow people keeping it that real?

Of course, what's so disappointing to the celeb-obsessed out there is just how like you and I they are.

And they're not terribly bright either. If they were, they would move away from the smartphone and stop giving 'fans' and crazies a microscopic insight into the dull reality of their existence.


What baffles me is those showbiz types who tweet nonsense about how fantastic a person they are with at that moment is -- and then the person in question tweets back similar fodder.

In the run-up to a recent girls' night out, presenter Holly Willoughby (below) wrote to former All Saints singer Nicole Appleton: "Are we out to play later? xxx."

Later that night Appleton posted a picture and wrote alongside the image: "Such fun with the girls @hollywills and @shiarra xxx,"... which Holly then retweeted.

And the fun continued the next morning when Nicole added: "What an amazing night!!...love you!.xx."

There's a reason why Heat magazine's winning formula is based on pictures.

And then there's the couples who try too hard. Pink and her husband Carey Hart often tweet piles of steaming, loved-up pooh about each other, so keen are they to ensure we all know what a great pair they make.

My best advice to them is stick to singing and motocross racing in public and let the rest remain private.

Don't even get me started on the dopes (Alex Reid, for example) who tweet 'private' messages to women who are not their girlfriends or the not-very-famous people who tweet pics of their post-pregnancy tummies (Michelle Heaton).

As Tony Soprano was fond of asking: "Whatever happened to Gary Cooper?"

>Dee O'Keeffe