SO, I gave up food for Lent. Okay, not quite. Nobody could be that drastic, although Jesus did fast for 40 days and 40 nights. But I did embark on a juice diet. Actually, I started my juice-only diet a few days before.
I have a special occasion coming up soon, and any time I try on the new dress I'm planning to wear, the zipper won't pull up. I was dismayed.
How could my lovely dress not fit when I was able to slip into it last year when I bought it in a sale? Unfortunately, I can't use the 'I've-had-a-baby' excuse any more. Seriously, Gary is five years old. I can't keep embarrassing myself!
Anyway, I pondered my options while wearing the too-tight dress in front of my full-length mirror.
Okay, I could wear a jacket or a cardigan over the dress so nobody would be able to see the straining zip, but then it might get very hot indoors with a jacket on, and I don't want to get a red, sweaty face.
I could wear Spanx, but they only help you look a smaller dress size, they don't perform actual miracles. In the end, I decided on a juice diet. I mean, ever since New Year's Day, everyone has been banging on about juicing. It's the current craze, so it has to work, right?
After going online, I saw many companies offering to deliver bottled fresh juice right to your door. But they were a bit pricey, in my opinion.
I bought a little plastic juicer thing and also bought a load of fruit, mostly grapefruit. Luckily, I like grapefruit, although not quite as much as a bar of chocolate.
I felt very smug walking to the till with my basket full of healthy fruit and my little juicer. Then I got home and panicked. Was I really going to do this? Could I really give up cheese?
The first day was the hardest by far. I had cravings and hunger pangs. That night I dreamed I was at a buffet. I was eating every thing in sight and then I woke up, hungry. I automatically went to the kitchen to make toast but then realised toast was banned, so I started slicing grapefruits.
I squeezed four of them and made my first juice of the day. It was a hard diet. On day three I was convinced I was going to faint. On day four I took a flight to London. The man beside me ordered a cheeseburger and a Snickers.
"What would you like?" the airhostess asked me.
"A sparkling water," I answered glumly.
Pancake Tuesday was horrible. Gary wanted his pancakes with jam and Nutella. I nearly cried not being able to have one. On day five my brain disappeared.
Honestly, if you'd asked me my own name, I wouldn't have been able to tell you. All I could do was obsess about food. If only I could have had a cracker! But I pressed on.
After day five I felt much better. I had incredible energy and didn't crave food. I lost 10 pounds in 10 days. I am now officially a juice addict. The only problem is, my dress is too big now.