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Vaginoplasty? Not on your Nellie

PATSY was just back from her honeymoon, which consisted of 10 days cruising the US Pacific Coast Highway in a Mustang, with her new husband in the passenger seat because she insisted on doing all the driving.

She had spent the previous half hour in the coffee shop giving us a blow-by-blow account of everything they did which, considering her age, was quite a lot. "I'm so flexible I can touch my toes now," she said, bending over and giving us a bird's eye view.

It was all too much so, to change the subject, I asked her did she notice any difference in trends in America from when she was there on holidays 25 years ago.

"Oh yes," sez she. "Everyone is getting their nellie done."

"When you say 'done', what exactly do you mean?" asked Josie, clenching her buttocks and crossing her legs at the same time.

"Oh, you know, a nip here and tuck there. Just something to make it look more attractive," explained Patsy.

Despite the fact that I'm 50 years of age, I'm a bit of an innocent in that I haven't seen a lot of nellies so, for comparative reasons, I couldn't tell you what an attractive nellie looks like. I mean, it's not as if they have enhancements such as a dimple in the cheek or a nice new set of shiny veneers with which to attract the onlooker.

Even if they did, it's not like someone is ever going to sidle up to the owner and say, 'Your face looks like the back of a bus but OMG! Your nellie looks absolutely stunning'. It's just not going to happen.

Operations

Despite this, the demand for cosmetic gynaecology is growing. The Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (SAPA) reports that women in the US spent an estimated €5.5m on vaginoplasty in 2009 and in the UK the NHS reported a 70pc increase in vaginoplasty operations over 2008. Figures released this year show that in 2010 the plastic surgery company Harley Medical Group received more than 5,000 inquiries about cosmetic gynaecology.

Patsy went on to explain that there are, in fact, a number of things you can do to make your nellie more attractive, which include trimming, hooding, rejuvenation or even revirgination. I'll spare you the gory details of what hooding and trimming, etc, entail, but suffice to say that by the time she was finished my eyes were watering at the thought.

Maggie, on the other hand, looked positively a-glow. "I wouldn't mind getting mine tightened," she whispered furtively from behind her hand.

"Why? In case your tonsils fall out?" I enquired. She didn't find that one bit funny.


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