As I write this I resemble Chantelle Houghton from Celebrity Big Brother (remember -- she married yer man from the Ordinary Boys?). No, I haven't got new blonde hair extensions, but I am extremely brown.
Like, unnaturally brown. It made me laugh as I slipped into my loose clothing, as instructed by my tanning therapist, and snipped the tags off my unworn Havaianas so as not to get foot streaks. A mere 12 months ago these rubber flip flops were my Aussie uniform, and my tan was gloriously natural, yet today I sit here having been spray tanned within an inch of my life pondering my 29th year. It is not the first time this week that I have mourned my 20s.
I performed my godmotherly duty last week by taking Tianna to her first live concert to see JLS. Her excitement was palpable, sadly so too was my age.
As we sat through the supporting acts, Tianna proceeded, in vain I might add, to tell me the names of each of the boys, who her favourite is (Marvin) and what his favourite colour is (blue). When the four lads eventually graced the stage the audience went mental. It was hard not to get swept along with the hysteria.
With each passing number my foot tapped harder and my hands clapped louder. At one stage they instructed their adoring audience to wave their hands in the air, so I duly obliged until Tianna physically pulled them down and gave me a look. Okay, no arms then. Later the crowd were on their feet, but when I attempted to join them I was told, in no uncertain terms, to sit down. And then I heard those words that I thought would never apply to a cool 29-year-old: "You're embarrassing me!" My initial thought was: 'You ungrateful little so-and-so, I paid for these tickets.' My next thought, however, was much worse: 'I'm old! A week shy of my 30th birthday!'
The rest of the week was downhill from there as I went on the hunt for an outfit for my party. Instead of thinking 'Ooh, I look gorgeous in that,' all that was running through my mind was: 'Will I get away with that or is it a bit young?' Seriously, is this what I am going to have to put up with until I kick the can? I eventually found an outfit that is suitably wow, and probably more 20s than 30s. I guess this is where I start sticking my fingers up at age-appropriate attire.