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Are our own flesh and blood related?

"Do you know how Cheryl Cole stays so thin?" asked Patsy, as she covered a large portion of her cinnamon swirl with a dollop of cream before force-feeding her gob.

"No, but I'm sure you are going to tell us," answered Josie, running her finger around the rim of her coffee cup and licking it, much to the delight of the middle-aged man at the next table who thought she was flirting with him. As I caught his eye, I had a sudden urge to whip off my ferret fringe and flash my bald head at him with a wink, but I managed to resist.

"Well," continued Patsy, touching the side of her nose to let us know she was in the know. "Apparently it's to do with her blood."

"FECK OFF! You mean she drinks her own blood. Is that how she got malaria do you think?" shrieked Maggie.

"No, ya gobdaw. She matches her diet to her blood group."

I could tell by the direction of the conversation and the dark circles around Patsy's eyes that she had stayed up half the night reading Chat/Reveal/Heat and was dying to impart their most relevant bits.

"For example if you are type A blood group then you should definitely be on a vegetarian diet."

"Why?" I asked.

"Haven't a clue. I'm just regurgling the information."

"You mean regurgitating."

"Whatever."

"My blood group is O. What should I be eating?" asked Maggie, who loves this sort of stuff.

"Well, less of that big fat cake on your plate and more bladderwrack," Patsy sniffed. Her regurgling/regurgitating was reaching epic proportions.

"Bladderwrack sounds like something you might catch in a public toilet," said Josie. Maggie gave a little shudder and crossed her legs.

"Bladderwrack is actually a variety of seaweed and it's really good for your metabolic system," said Patsy. She must have upgraded to National Geographic for that piece of information.

"There's nothing wrong with my metabolics -- I'm just fat," replied Maggie.

Patsy boomed: "It can also help with abnormal menstrual cycles but it shouldn't be used during lactation." The man at the next table nearly choked on his bacon butty.

We sat there in silence for a while because it was difficult to know where the conversation might be going but Patsy's biggest muscle is her tongue and she likes to use it.

"Do you know how Jennifer Aniston stays so thin?" Josie gave an audible groan.

"How?" said Maggie.

"She eats nothing but baby food. Jars of the stuff apparently and she even mashes her bananas."

I felt like resting my head on the table and leaving it there for a very long time.


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