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The Secret Life of Joe Coleman

>Sunday

Our Lady appeared to me in a vision last night. She says that Lorraine Keane will definitely be back on TV before the year is out. It's all in my book, out now, priced €10.99.

Monday

The papers are absolutely crucifying me. And I predicted that Glenda Gilson would win Most Stylish Woman at the TVNow awards . . . but did anyone listen?

>Tuesday

I'd like to give this message to anyone who doubts me: Open your hearts and believe. I predict many disastrous occurrences for humanity, such as Ryanair charging passengers to fly the plane themselves.

>Wednesday

I take a trip to Knock to see if I can't spot a holy vision or a moving statue at the very least. Bring your shades people, it's gonna be a scorcher.

Thursday

Ten thousand Sex and the City fans followed me to Knock because I predicted that Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick would make a pilgrimage on their way to their holiday home in Donegal.

Still no sign of SJP -- but there sure are a lot of Jimmy Choos for the Blessed Virgin to take in.

Friday

Things got rowdy when someone put cosmopolitans into the holy water bottles.

They wouldn't go home and leave me to my visions in peace until I predicted that Big turns out to be a bastard.

Saturday

Seeing things is hard work, so I do what any good mystic does on their day off and relax with some Sky Plussed episodes of the new V.


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