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Regaining trust

> Any betrayal in a relationship immediately produces a lack of trust.

It take a long time to build it up in the first place, and, says Lally, "to rebuild trust after an affair takes a lot time and effort". Below are a few of the foundation stones for regaining trust in the offending partner.

Determination that the affair is over. There's no point in trying to move forward if the event that caused the broken trust is still ongoing. It seems like common sense, but don't take this element for granted.

Assurance that all steps will be taken to ensure that this will not happen again. The bedrock of trust is believing what the other person says, and that they will do what they say.

Appreciation of the hurt that has been caused. Hearing "I'm sorry" isn't enough, but it is a start.

Willingness to avail of professional marriage/ relationship counselling. In cases of infidelity, it can be of vital importance to bring in an objective party.

Refocusing of energies. Meaning, get your mind off the affair, and work on finding out what might have been problematic in the marriage relationship and develop strategies to overcome those difficulties.

Establishing ways to avoid hurting each other and finding new ways to give and receive pleasurable experiences. New behaviours are the way forward, and, when worked on as a couple, can revitalise the marriage.