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New year, old lover for Hef's bride-to-be

To get the New Year off to a great start, how about a moving and uplifting tale of things to do with the heart? This sweet little story of young love and old hat will bring a tear to your eye and restore your faith in human nature -- or maybe not.

Hugh Hefner, the 84-year-old head of the Playboy Empire has, apparently, found the love of his life in the shape of the very shapely Crystal Harris. At 24, Crystal is nearly a quarter his age and young enough to be his great-granddaughter. But Hef is not one to be put off by a little thing like a gaping age difference of 60 years. No siree.

A picture of the happy couple earlier in the year shows Hef wearing his trademark jammies, leering at Crystal like a drunken hyena. She was still only his girlfriend at the time but, in an effort to upgrade herself to something more financially secure, she dressed to impress. Wearing skyscraper heels and squeezed into a strapless tube dress that made her pneumatic breasts burst out like over-inflated space hoppers, she held tightly on to her old man, lest he keeled over and died from all the excitement. And then who knows what might have happened to all his squillions.

But enough crass talk of who won't get what if Hef's pacemaker gives up the ghost before Crystal can secure herself with a ring on her finger and, instead, let's get back to our touching tale of love.

Preparing himself to spend Christmas Eve with his massively front-loaded girlfriend, Hef quickly divested himself of his jammies, had a quick five trips to the loo to empty his leaky bladder and then gave his girlfriend a night to remember.

Details of the union are sketchy and, anyway, I wouldn't want to put you off your dinner but, suffice to say, Hef somehow came to the conclusion that Crystal loved him just for himself and not for his money.

Gasping for breath, he staggered out of bed to retrieve his dentures and crack his hips back into place, before getting down on his knee replacements and begging Crystal to marry him. With tears of relief in her eyes (she didn't think it could be this easy), the cosmetically enhanced beauty said "Yes, yes, oh God, yes!" before steering Hef towards his laptop in case he changed his mind.

There, with his proud fiancée watching, he tweeted his good news. A date hasn't been set but, rest assured, Crystal is working on it.

And if that little story doesn't warm the cockles of your heart then nothing will. As for Hef . . . well, he can only hope to warm his cockles.