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Maggie Is Pore-fect in nearly every way

I found Maggie in her kitchen the other day staring at her new laptop. For once she wasn't drooling over her desktop background of a nude Marc Jacobs advertising his new perfume Bang, with the bottle neatly positioned between his legs.

The drooling had gotten so bad that every time her other half walked by her laptop, he cocked an imaginary gun at Mr Jacobs' genitals and, with a sneer on his face, shouted something unprintable.

No, this time Maggie had eschewed Marc for YouTube. The voice squeaking from the video sounded like a chainsaw on high speed and the lady doing all the squeaking had eyes like ET and cheeks like a chipmunk sucking on a packet of bull's eyes. Her name was Donna and yes she was American and yes she was advertising something.

"What is it this time?" I asked with a yawn.

"It's called a 'Pore'-fector gadget and it, like, gets rid of, like, all the pores on your face!" squeaked Maggie, sounding just like Donna.

Now, Maggie has plenty of pores on her legs in the shape of cellulite but she has spent so much money on her face to make sure that it is blemish-free that you would need a magnifying glass to spot the tiniest flaw. However, I could tell by the glow on her cheeks that the mere thought of having a 'Pore'-fector was doing for her what the Rampant Rabbit did for Samantha in Sex and the City.

Meanwhile, Donna's voice had gone an octave higher as she demonstrated on a model how the 'Pore'-fector works. First of all, she power washed the model's face using the high setting on the 'Pore'-fector gadget.

The gadget looks like a cross between a Stanley knife and the implement used to strip wallpaper. As she scraped it across the model's face, she explained how the combination of power washing and the 'Pore'-fector's sonic vibrations, lifts impurities from the skin.

"Sure, you could do all that with soap and water and a spatula," I ventured. Maggie told me to shut up.

Then Donna held up the 'Pore'-fector, which was now covered in a mass of impurities. The model must have had pores as deep as bog holes and washed her chops in muck for a week to have had that much dirt on her face.

The remainder of the video was taken up with listing all the 'Pore'-fector moisturising products that you will need to buy for the rest of your life to keep your pores clean, thus ensuring the makers, Bliss, make tons of dosh.

"How much?" I asked Maggie.

"About €155."

Her other half cocked his imaginary gun again. I could have sworn he was pointing it at her . . .