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Did i really say that? With Jonathan Ross

On television: "I look at TV, I look at most modern forms of entertainment, and I think, 'This is all really inherently worthless.' I'm sure one day people will say, 'We've had enough. Can't we just go back to having local passion plays?' But, of course, that's what I feed off to a large extent, and when you loathe what you feed off, sometimes you can wind up not liking yourself." (1997)

On his BBC chat show: "I'm lucky because I have a lot of influence over my show. We don't book people unless I think I'm going to have fun with them." (2001)

On his early career: "I was stuck in a groove, drinking too much and spending my earnings none too wisely. I wanted to keep making shows because I didn't know what else to do, and because I thought I needed to keep earning the sort of money I had grown accustomed to. But earning that money by making shows I didn't care about made me far unhappier than being broke ever could have done." (2003)

On his dress sense: "I used to collect them [his children] from school and I used to deliberately try to find the stupidest outfit I could wear . . . sometimes they would walk past and pretend I wasn't with them." (2005)

To Tory leader David Cameron: "Did you or did you not have a w**k thinking of Margaret Thatcher?" (2006)

On Heather Mills: "I wouldn't be surprised if we found out she's actually got two legs." (2006)

On the Spice Girls: "The Spice Girls are reforming -- in the same way they reform meat into nuggets." (2007)

On himself: "It's not whether you win or lose, it is how many people remember you when you die." (2008)