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Beyonce or Lucy Liu? It's all in the jeans...

THE Levi Jean Company have gone above and beyond the call of duty by interviewing and scanning 60,000 (yes, that's right, 60,000) womenaround the world in an effort to find out if we have any problems when it comes to buying jeans.

Levi's haven't bothered to change their measurements in 75 years but because 87pc of the women interviewed think their jeans could fit a lot better they have decided that now is the time to do so.

“I used to like those high-waist jeans,” said Maggie. “You know the ones. They came up to your armpits and covered your whole ass — not just the lower half. You can't stuff anything into those skinny, low-waist ones and, even if you did, when you bend over it's like exposing the Black Hole of Calcutta.” “TMI,” replied Josie.

Luckily, as Maggie wasn't involved in the research, Levi’s have decided against the John Boy Walton-style of high breeches and, instead, have brought out a new range of jean called Curve ID which they promise will fit 80pc of women (why do I have a sinking feeling that the remaining 20pc they won't fit are sitting in a coffee shop in Kildare?)

Anyway, the Curve ID range comes in three shapes Bold, Slight and Demi and the idea behind them is that while women may have an identical waist size, their hips and bums can come in big, bigger or massive sizes. They don't say this, but I'm sure you get the picture.

To alleviate all this sizing angst they have come up with the 3D shape or ‘curve'. “A Bold curve could be someone like Beyonce or Jennifer Lopez, a Demi curve could be someone with proportions like Charlize Theron and the Slight curve would suit a Lucy Liu-style figure,” says You Nguyen, senior vice-president of Levi's Women's Merchandising and Design.

We had a brief discussion about Beyonce, Charlize et al and decided that we had no one close to their shape but we did have at least one sumo wrestler and another that looked like a breeze block.

The three stick insects modelling the new Levi jeans don't look anything like us either what with their tumbling hair, pouting lips, legs like cheese strings and the whole look finished off with shoes so high you could jump off them and hurt yourself.

“It's all a bit depressing,” said Patsy, stirring her coffee like it was a bucket of cement. Maggie was a bit more upbeat. “Let's go up to Dublin and try them on,” she said. After a five-minute discussion which involved train times, radiotherapy appointments and cash flows we decided, to hell with the consequences, we'd give those Curves a whirl. Watch out Dublin, the culchies are coming!