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A 'down there' facial? Not on your nellie

A COUPLE of years ago, when some people were throwing €500 notes in the air like confetti, cosmetic surgery became as routine as making the dinner.

Breast implants were 10 a penny, Botox could be squeezed in on a lunch break and, if you couldn't be bothered to go on a diet, a tummy tuck was the answer.

And then, just when you thought that there were no more bits and bobs that could be pulled and stretched, along came nellie rejuvenation to add to the cosmetic tally.

For those who regularly checked their nether regions only to find that it was starting to look like it had been dragged through a bush backwards, nellie rejuvenation was a godsend.

All you had to do was attend your local vaginoplasty surgeon, flick through the nellie book and pick out which designer nellie you would like.

Then, after handing over a shed load of money, you had the privilege of lying back; slipping your legs into the stirrups, letting the surgeon perform a couple of nips and tucks and, hey presto, the end result was that you had a nellie that you wouldn't be ashamed to show off in public — except, of course, you couldn't.

The nature of nellies is that, most of the time, they must stay under cover and there is no way you could dash over to show friends and neighbours your nellie, letting them ooh and aah over its newly acquired youth and air of joie de vivre.

Not one of them would be able to express their admiration by saying: “Your nellie looks fabulous darling — not a day over 25.”

With the recession, nellie overhauls took a bit of a nose dive but the cosmetic industry is very resilient and, just when you think your nether regions are doing okay thank you, along comes the Vajacial to let you know that, actually, they aren't.

Maggie was stunned.

“You mean you can now get a facial for ‘down there'?” she screeched.

Initially, I was also sceptical at the thought of a facial for ‘down there' but, unbelievably, it's true. I explained that, firstly, the area is cleaned with an antibacterial wash and witch hazel.

Then a papaya-based exfoliating gel is slapped on before the beautician removes any ingrown hairs (at this stage Patsy's eyes were starting to water). After that, anti-acne, anti-freckle or a calming mask is applied and then the whole thing is polished off with a lightening cream.

(The mind boggles.)

“Can you get it done in Kildare?” Maggie wanted to know.

“Eh . . . I'm not sure about that. We've only just got used to rural electrification so maybe not,” I replied.

“I like my freckles,” said Patsy. There was no answer to that.


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