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Douglas goes down in my estimation . . .

"I don't think he's been the same since he copped a gawk at Sharon Stone's one in Basic Instinct and, in fairness to him, how could he have avoided it?

It was as if it was auditioning as an illusionist on Britain's Got Talent. Now you see it, now you don't. She crossed and uncrossed her legs so many times, it's a wonder they didn't end up in a sailor's knot," Patsy mused.

Maggie agreed with her. "I think he went way over the top on this one. I mean, talk about giving nellies a bad name."


They were, of course, referring to Michael Douglas and his recent interview on supposing how he got The Big C.

In the interview Michael surmised that he got the disease from – how shall I put it – getting up close and personal with a nellie.

He didn't exactly say whose nellie he was referring to but his ex-wife categorically denied it was hers. Suffice to say if I was Catherine Zeta Jones then I would be buying Michael a muzzle and a one way ticket for the slow boat to China.

A spokes-person for Michael was quick out of the trap to say that he didn't really mean that he got throat cancer specifically from a nellie but that there were other factors involved.

However, the journalist asking the questions also taped the interview and when he asked Michael the pertinent and obvious question i.e. did he think his recent illness may have had something to do with overloading his system with drugs, smoking and drink, all of which can lead to throat cancer, Michael didn't hesitate.

"No. No. Ah, without getting too specific, this particular cancer is caused by something called HPV," he replied.

He then went on to say that HPV, which is short for the human papilloma virus and is an STD, originated from being overly friendly with lady parts.

So, despite years of puffing on fags like a chimney, it was a nellie wot done him in.

Interestingly, Michael also said that not only can nellies give you throat cancer but, apparently, they can cure it as well.


"Jeez, that's a new one on me," said Patsy. "Next thing you know they'll be renting them out on the interweb."

"I think they do already, Patsy, but not necessarily as a cure for cancer," I said.

But back to Michael who, unsurprisingly, garnered a huge interest in his theory, but then must have got a clip around the ear from Catherine because he has since retracted his remarks.

I'm sure she also told him that if he gets haemorrhoids he should keep it to himself how he got them ...