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Coffee Morning Whispers

PATSY nearly had a nervo when she arrived home from work to find Jose practically licking the screen on his laptop. The reason for Jose's salivations was the new Armani jeans ad which features the bold Rihanna.

Now, we all know that Rihanna is not known for wearing knee-length skirts and cardies and so it is in this advert. The premise is that she is in bed having a nightmare about missing a flight. Fleecy jammies are eschewed for a bra and lacy thong. There is neither sight nor sign of the jeans at this stage, nevertheless Rihanna knows her stuff.


With perfect make-up and not a hair out of place she writhes and thrashes in the bed moaning like a cat in heat. This goes on for quite a while so that we get to see her from every possible angle.

It is not until the end of the ad, when she awakes, that a pair of jeans actually makes an appearance. These are slowly pulled up over her tiny lace thong which is tightly wedged between her perfect buttocks like a bootlace. I'm not jealous, I'm just sayin' like ...

Anyway, not one for subtlety, Patsy slammed the laptop shut and ordered Jose to get his coat. She then put him in the passenger seat of her car and drove straight to the bicycle shop, whereupon she purchased him a bike.

"What that fella needs is some fresh air and exercise. That should soften his cough," she declared.

That was a week ago and since then Jose has taken to the cycling like salami to a pizza. Every evening he takes out the bike and cycles around Kildare like something possessed. Patsy was getting a bit worried. He seemed to prefer his bike then he did her company.

"If I was married to you I would be cycling as fast as I could as well," said Josie.

Patsy wasn't sure what to do. Then, last Friday, he went out and didn't come back. She rang me in a state of chassis.

"What if he has cycled to the airport?" she cried. I told her not to worry and I was right.

Two hours later Jose turned up balanced precariously on his bike as he tried to keep hold of a roll of carpet, which he had found in a skip on the side of the road.

"Perfecto mi amor," he beamed as he proceeded to cut it up and lay different parts of it around the house like a jigsaw.

"What's your next move?" asked Josie.

"Nothing for it but to slash his tyres," Patsy replied.

That's what I admire about Patsy -- her ability to compromise.