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Birthday presents Can pose a problem

Josie regaled us in the coffee shop with the story about a woman she knew who was having difficulty buying a present for her husband's 50th birthday.

He was the man who had everything so she wanted something totally different. Something that would make him sit up and take notice.

Something that would make him remember her forever.

She trawled websites and searched shops everywhere in search of it but to no avail. Then, as she tossed and turned in bed one night, she suddenly had a light bulb moment. She knew exactly what to get him.


The next day she took herself off to the beauty salon where she was spray tanned from top to toe in a nice shade of teak.

She then had her make-up professionally done and false eyelashes added before she took herself off to a photographer to have her picture taken. Once there she changed into a short and very tight leopard-print dress which let her ample breasts spill out of the halter neck like lava from Mount Etna. Donning a pair of killer heels she lolled on the studio couch with her arms behind her head as she looked straight into the camera with a smile so wide you could see her back teeth.

The photographer did a magnificent job by cropping a few pounds and adding a couple of curves in the right places. He also let her crow's feet do a runner and gave her a set of lips that could suck diesel out of a fuel tank.

On the morning of his birthday she presented the three-by-three-foot photo of herself to her husband for his birthday present. By all accounts he was thrilled and the photograph hangs proudly over the mantelpiece where they both can't stop looking at it.


There was silence for a moment as the rest of us contemplated the implications of such a present. Then Maggie spoke.

"Your 50th is coming up shortly. Have you any idea what him indoors is getting you?" she winked at me.

I don't actually know what he is getting me but I would just like to state right now that if he has any intention of dressing up in his Speedos and taking himself off to the photographer's studio to loll on a couch with a rose between his teeth (or between anything else for that matter) so that he can offer a picture of himself to me for my present, he had better be wearing a hard hat because that picture will not be hung over the mantelpiece.

Instead, it will be hanging somewhere between his ears and his neck.