The population of Dublin is near enough to two million now.
But how many of this gigantic number are true-blue Dubs? You know, the sort of character who boasts about the fact that all his forebears grew up within the same network of six Liberties streets…as if this were a good thing.
Chances are that most Dublin residents reading this are the offspring of culchies, if not culchies themselves. Well, all those Civil Service and bartending jobs won’t fill themselves.
Here’s how to tell if you’re a blow-in to the Fair City:
1. You still talk about “going home” when paying a visit to the town you grew up in, even though you’ve owned a house in Terenure for 15 years.
2.You get vaguely and unaccountably scared while walking along Gardiner St at night.
3.Or during the day.
4.Even that “raw sewage” story probably won’t put you off returning to Quinn’s on the day of a big match.
5.Where you’re supporting whoever is playing against the Dubs.
6.You still get excited when you see the Garda helicopter flying overhead, spotlight glaring down on some benighted sink estate, and momentarily pretend that you’re in a Schwarzenegger movie.
7.You work in the civil service.
8.You work as a teacher.
9.You work in a pub.
10.You didn’t have “all the channels” growing up, and consequently the apparently legendary “Two Ronnies” Christmas sketch means sweet FA to you.
11.You never went to the panto as a child.
12. You have a college education.
13. You still refer to a drink as a 'tin of minerals' when you're in certain company.
14. You don’t say “down the country” for literally everywhere outside the Pale, even when it’s actually up.
15.You have some comprehension of the different telephone area codes outside Dublin.
16. You’ve seen animals on a real-life farm, not just in Dublin Zoo.
17.You understand that food comes from such animals, and not merely “the supermarket”.
18.You’re instinctively prejudiced, in a mild way, against skangers.
19.Your ancestors didn’t empty the pissoir onto Padraig Pearse’s head in 1916.
20.You send your kids to gaelscoil.
21.You play for the local GAA team and deride the local soccer team.
22.You make your kids wear the GAA colours of your native county, and refuse to accept that they should, by right of birth, be shouting for Dublin.
23.You consider the words “Dub” and “Jackeen” to be interchangeable.
24.You pepper your conversation with rural staples such as “arrah”, “well”, “quare”, “whist” and “how’re we now?”
25.You don’t believe in Jesus – but you don’t pronounce it “Jaysus”.