Valentine’s Day. Does it really mean anything? Sort of. Heart-shaped candy boxes, secret admirers, over-priced bouquets and cuddly toys.
It’s all so…blah. You might not give a damn about the Commercialised Feast of Saint Valentine, and we wouldn’t blame you. Or, it could be your favourite ‘holiday’. Indeed, there are those who are secretly looking forward to splashing the cash on the ones they love this Saturday, February 14. And best of luck to them. Either way, there’s no escaping the signs. So, with love in our hearts and chocolate treats in our bellies, we present to you the 14 things every Dubliner will do, see, say and/or hear in the run-up to this year’s International Red Envelope Day. Lots of love, hugs and kisses, etc.
Spending €100 on a dozen hand-tied roses…
Yeah, that’s roughly eight quid for each flower. And flowers, we’re told, grow in the earth. That's right €8. There are probably some in your back garden, or even your neighbour’s. And you just spent €100 of your hard-earned cash on 12 of those bad boys. Hate that.
“I’m not getting him anything. Valentine’s Day is just for women”...
No. No, it’s not. It’s 2015, for Christ’s sake. If the guy’s just spent a week’s wages on flowers, chocolates and jewellery, then there had better be an Xbox game in it for him. Or, you know, a nice watch.
Girls / Boys Night Out
It’s right up there with “I’m not doing Valentine’s Day this year.” In fact, a friend of ours recently informed us that, instead of spending Valentine’s Day with her boyfriend this weekend, she’ll be heading out with ‘the girls’ on the lash.
To prove a point. We don’t get it. But you just know there’ll be gangs of single guys and gals ‘hitting the clubs’ this Saturday night in an effort to prove their own points. If anyone anywhere has any clue as to what exactly these points are, hit us up.
Well, this is awkward. If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that getting down on bended knee in a public place doesn’t always end well.
Because even if you are 99 per cent certain that that special lady in your life is, in fact, ‘the one’, there’s always a teeny, tiny chance that she’ll say ‘no’ if you ask her to be your wife after dessert. Could be embarrassment / panic / fear / heartburn, etc. Partly, because you’re in a public place.
And, well, everyone’s got a smartphone. Don’t do it, lads. Just…don’t. Plus, proposing on February 14 is kinda tacky. And very unoriginal.
On Facebook and Twitter, we mean. “Romantic LOLs with himself”! “Treating the missus tonight #class #valentino #gonnagetmesomelove #beersonme”. “Candlelite dinner with the hubbie! #madeforeachother”.
Oh yes, everyone will be sharing their Valentine’s plans with the world this Saturday night. Some won’t even wait until they get home to post the pictures (we’re talking filtered cocktail/steak meal/kissy-kiss images across the board). Full marks to the couples who remind us that, even on the most romantic night of the year, they can’t bear to go an hour or two without their internet friends. But hey, they’re so comfortable in each other’s company that neither seem to mind whenever the phones come out. Ain’t modern love grand?
Fifty Shades of Grey
A lot of you are going to go see this film on Saturday. Don’t try to hide it. In fact, many of you are hoping you have an excuse, given the weekend that’s in it. In which case, we’ll take a full report by the water cooler on Monday morning. Cheers.
Mortified Lingerie Shoppers
In other words, the red-faced eejits who thought it would be quiet in Ann Summers / the Dunnes Stores women’s section on their lunch break. Aw, man. You should have just ordered something online. To hell with it, you’re here now. And EVERYONE is looking at you. Scarlet.
The Gift Carriers
Could be a bouquet of flowers, or one of those cute, over-sized teddy bear cards / balloons. The point is you’re going to see a lot of lads lugging around gigantic gifts this Friday evening on the bus/DART home from work. They’re bound to get in someone’s way and/or forget to remove the price tag before they get in the door. Saps.
“I made her a mixed tape…”
Go home, young hipster. You are not and never will be Rob Gordon from High Fidelity.
Confusion at the Card Stand
Look at the boys and girls trying to figure out which card is appropriate. Something romantic and slushy, or naughty and jokey…decisions, decisions. It’s like they’re all trying to figure out a mathematical equation in their heads. Tenner bets someone will ask the shopkeeper if there’s one for ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’. Or ‘soul mate’.
‘Lots of Love’…
Uh-oh. How long have you two been together? Those three words have yet to come up in conversation, right? Hmmm…best of luck trying to figure out how to sign off that card. Be careful; ‘from’ is too casual, and there’s no going back on ‘with love’. Could be a deal breaker, this one. Maybe stick to ‘hugs and kisses’. Yes, that’s the safe option.
A Text from Mum and Dad
Because if nobody else says ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ this weekend, you can guarantee there’ll be a text from the mammy. Or daddy. Whatever,
it’ll still suck.
Who buys dinner? Do you go halves or let him/her pay? Tricky one, this. The waiter will have a great laugh as you two argue it out over what to do when the bill arrives.
Newspaper Feature / Online Lists about Valentine’s Day
They’re everywhere, you know. Gosh, we’re sick of ‘em.
Bonus Love Point
Remembering that every day should be Valentine’s Day with the one you cherish the most. Or something. Oh dear Lord, did we really just say that? Ugh. It felt right at the time…