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Housemate horror in BB funhouse

"We're going to go out with an almighty bang!" shouts Davina McCall from a platform in front of the last ever Big Brother house, which is a riot of colour and Perspex.

The theme is a fun house, something which BB hasn't been since the end of series two, and there are creepy clown motifs all over it. Clowns are scary.

But what of the final batch of show-offs -- how scary are they?

Conscious of its mortality, BB has assembled what appears to be a nostalgic compendium of the most annoying types to appear in the 10 previous series.

For a change, the housemates are revealed live on air, from an assembled "shortlist" of 81, and here comes the first.

It's Josie (24), a big farm girl from Bristol (ooo-arr). She screams when she's chosen and again when Davina introduces her. She screams as she enters the house. Screams and screams and screams.

It's taken 30 seconds for me to start loathing Josie. That might be a record. Hang on, though, here's housemate No. 2: Steve (40), an ex-soldier who had both legs blown off in Northern Ireland. He also lost an eye. Steve looks like a banker for the final stages.

What's this walking up the steps? Ben (30), a privileged posho with floppy hair that even Hugh Grant at his floppiest would never countenance. Cue boos from the BB mob.

Inside, he surveys the house: "It's like some sort of prison designed by Boy George." Ha! A flash of genuine wit. Oh, dear. BB fans don't like their housemates too smart. It scares them. I bet Ben's first out the door.

Here comes the obligatory sex bomb. It's Rachael (23), a hair stylist who thinks she looks like Beyonce. Does she love herself? "Er, probably a little bit, yeah," she giggles. You're in a club of one, love. Josie has just surrendered top spot in the loathsome stakes to Rachael.

Next, Nathan (26), a joiner from Oop North whose massive monobrow makes him look like the Gallagher brothers conjoined. Even the clowns look scared.

Look, it's Friar Tuck! No it's not, it's Dave (39), a Christian minister (he says) who dresses like a monk and looks strikingly like a young Christopher Biggins. Dave is a perpetually giggling idiot. Good news, Josie -- you've dropped to third place!

As the minutes tick by, so do the new housemates, melting one after another into a vague blur of impressions.

Caoimhe (23), Irish and lesbian . . . Govan (21), loud and childish . . . Shabby (24), a self-styled "wacky character" with an annoying hat (there's ALWAYS one with an annoying hat) . . . Ife (25), a dancer who looks like a clone of Rachael, which won't please Rachael . . . Australian hunk John James (24), The Man With Two Names but only half a brain. Is this beginning to look familiar?

It climaxes with a couple of jolts. Sunshine (24) is a posh medical student (a soul mate for Ben, perhaps?) who has a Paris Hilton accessory dog and seems destined, when she graduates, to become a consultant in tw*tology, while the mahogany-coloured shopgirl Corin (29) is a dead ringer for Jordan and nearly pops out of her strapless dress. Chavtastic!

These two draw the biggest boos of the night. Josie, you've just dropped two more places in the league table of horribleness.

But we're not quite done yet. When the housemates are inside, Davina picks another one, at random, out of a drum.

It's Mario, whose special task is to be a mole inside the house, carrying out dastardly deeds against the others without them finding out. To make it easier, they've dressed him in a mole costume and hung a sign reading "I am a mole" around his neck.

This, then, is your lot. This, should you choose to accept it, is your summer.

The World Cup begins tomorrow -- Wohoo!

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