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Danielle's yummy step-mummy's guide

The ugly face of plastic surgery is something you don't expect to see on Channel 4 -- public service broadcasting. Revolting public service broadcasting, to be sure, but public service broadcasting nonetheless.

Dr Christian Jessen set out to show the pitfalls of rushing into cosmetic surgery without thinking. He succeeded, courtesy of some hair-raising horror stories.

Mother-of-four Kelly decided to have a tummy tuck in Germany, where the procedure is cheaper than here or in Britain. She was left with an infected hole in her stomach and horrendous scarring after the doctor -- who turned out not to be a qualified cosmetic surgeon but a dermatologist -- sliced off two layers of skin and sucked out two litres of fat.

"People say it's like I've been bitten by a shark," she said, showing off her mutilated midriff. People are right. A reputable cosmetic surgeon in London has since performed a second operation (cost: £5,000). It undid the worst of the damage. Kelly now looks like the mere victim of a particularly vicious knife attack.

Nanette decided to have her 20-year-old breast implants upgraded in Belgium. Unknown to her, her surgeon is also a failed former pop star, part-time local TV celebrity and all-round idiot, who's been suspended more times than Vinnie Jones.

He doesn't believe in general anaesthetic and instead uses "deep sedation": in other words, local anaesthetic he administers himself, a practice that would be unacceptable in this country.

Nanette woke up during the op. When she regained full consciousness, she was in excruciating pain and bleeding from a hole in her breast. A different surgeon at the same clinic hastily tried to repair the damage the same day, and Nanette was then bundled into a taxi. Once home, her stitches burst open like the seam of a cheap shirt. Her breasts are now deeply disfigured.

Jessen lured the limelight-loving clown who botched the first operation to London, while Nanette watched on a monitor in a different room. "You piece of garbage!" she hissed as he first denied everything, then tried to blame the patients, then reluctantly owned up to screwing up. She finally extracted an insincere apology. Personally, I'd have extracted something else -- using pliers and no anaesthetic.

The most dispiriting moment of all, though, was when Jessen handed a felt pen to a group of teenage boys and girls and let them play plastic surgeon on the perfectly healthy body of a 20-year-old female model.

By the time they'd finished marking out all the things they'd change about this girl's body, Jessen reckoned it would require 12 operations and some liposuction, at a cost of £50,000. Say hello to the shark-bite victims of the future.

In My New Stepfamily, the new Mrs Gary Lineker -- formerly Danielle Bux, lingerie model and lads' mag totty -- pondered the problems of being stepmother to Mr FA Cup Ears's four sons, the oldest of whom, George, is just 12 years her junior.

This was the usual puddle-deep, celebrity-driven drivel, but there was one excruciatingly (and hilariously) awkward moment. Gary, who'd been set up on a blind date with Danielle, recalled Googling her. With George's help. "I looked at her and just thought, 'Wow!'," said Gary -- which is what any man would be inclined to think when studying Google's extensive images of Danielle in her bra and knickers.

But what did George think? "I just left him to it," he said, embarrassment creeping across his face like a noon shadow. I'll bet you did, son. Ran off to your bedroom to do a little Googling of your own, I'd say.


The ugly face of beauty -- Plastic Surgery ***

Danielle Lineker -- My New Stepfamily *