I nearly became a superhero this week. For the first time in my life I own a dressing gown. Before you ask, I don't use it as my cape. This 100% polyester piece of clothing is the source of my power. My static-electricity power to be precise.
It's a Christmas present that I'm only wearing now. Firstly, because polyester was never on my fashion radar and only two types of people should wear them: those recovering from illness and Hugh Hefner.
The first time I experienced the 'power' I was heading to bed. I disrobed and went to close the bedroom door. As I touched the handle I could see a spark of electricity jump from me to it. I heard a zap and my hand jolted back with the shock, frightening the bejaysus out of me.
That night I had a feature film of a dream. I'd become Static-Man, saving mankind from its various electricity-deficient scenarios. "Come quick, Static-Man! My car battery's flat and I need to pick up the kids from school." "Help, Static-Man, help! I've run out of coins for the meter and my new girlfriend's calling around to watch a DVD and get some snuggles -- I need enough electricity to watch the DVD but not so much for the snuggles."
Okay, it was a boring dream, so I decided to harness my new-found power to help me do what I love doing most -- have a laugh. My first mission was to electrocute my girlfriend. Statically of course, I'm not talking 'toaster in the bath' stuff here. It's a laugh I was after, not an ex-girlfriend.
I robed and disrobed very quickly to charge up 'Paddy's Powers'. Then panic hit me. I'd yet to have my morning wee and I was bricking myself that if I were to go to the toilet I would 'fry' my favourite bits and the big joke would be on 'Peckerless Paddy'.
I fell on my own sword again and touched the door handle, zapping myself. Panic over, and so was my dream of being a superhero.