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Paddy Courtney Off the record: 07/01/2010

These past few years have seen various tribunals and enquiries into this, that and the other and there are more on the way to investigate stuff like the banks, the recession and why red heads are a dying breed. Well, two of the three at least.

I'm not a big fan of these money and time-wasting exercises, because they usually start with a few questions that only get answered with other questions, which then lead to a further enquiry into all the new questions, which eventually lead to more questions about questioning, questionable questions and other questions. Ouch. Something's just popped in my head.

We should get some new tribunals going just for the craic. Let's start with one investigating the poxy weather we've had over the past couple of months. From floods and frost to sleet and snow, someone has to be held accountable, and we, as a nation, need answers immediately. I betcha it would be more interesting than the tribunals that are on right now.

The Right Honourable Mr Justice Over-Paid Sleepy-Head would get the ball rolling by summoning all the various people from Met éireann into court and giving them a grilling over who's responsible for what, when and why. They would, of course, answer with a few questions of their own, which would lead to a few weeks' paid leave to face up to, reflect upon, digest, take on the chin, move forward from and forget about. Ouch, there it goes again.

The head honchos at Met éireann would all walk free from court and the Irish people would be left more confused and angry than they were at the start of the enquiry. We would have headlines and news bulletins calling for blood, and we would get it in the form of Martin King, Daithí Ó Sé and the winking weatherman fella being marched into court to face a firing squad of kids with snowballs.

We wouldn't get answers, but we'd be a happier nation. Fact.