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First Night: Rob Schneider

I better be careful here, folks. After all, Robert Michael Schneider doesn't like it when critics back home say mean things about him. He's even been known to take out full-page ads in the papers as a means of letting the American public know just how angry that last review made him feel (cus, like, a simple letter to the editor wouldn't do).

But regardless of how many bad movies the Saturday Night Live veteran has featured in (just think of your least favourite Adam Sandler offering -- now try to remember the least significant character) it was always going to be interesting to see what Schneider was capable of in a live setting after 17 years away from the stand-up game.

It has to be better than what we've come to expect, yes? There's gotta be some talent floating around that funny looking head of his, right? Ah, to hell with this nice-guy crap.

Respond in whatever way you wish, Schneider, but it still won't make up for the fact that you, Sir, are perhaps the worst comedian that I've ever seen perform in front of an audience. Aaaahhhh ... much better.

Seriously, do you think it's funny to joke about picking up your dog's s*** in the backyard? Do you find it amusing that a lot of your material is outdated, or that some of those accents and impressions of yours are, oh, I don't know, maybe a little racist, perhaps?

C'mon, dude -- it's 2010 for Christ's sake, and yet here you are, standing on a stage, happily sharing anecdotes about Muslim terrorists and how women like everything clean and in its place.

That deadpan delivery of yours isn't working well for you, either. Neither is the tacky suit, the hackneyed commentary on the economic downturn, or the cheap Viagra gags. Oh, and the "C-bomb" discussion?

I know that people give you a hard time, and I'm sure it must be tough being the guy whose most memorable cinematic moment will always be that one line from The Waterboy ("YOU CAN DO IT!!!"), but even the worst comedic offenders -- no matter how crude, vulgar, or unimaginative their lowbrow variety of storytelling -- at least have the decency to try.

Then again, most foreign visitors also have the decency to never, ever, attempt an Irish accent, and you deserve everything you got for thinking we're a part of the UK, too.

Sip away at that pint of Guinness or joke about the French football team as much as you want, but you didn't quite know how to recover from that one, did you?

Granted, while all of the above may sound a tad harsh, there really aren't enough ways to describe just how much this amateur brand of unintelligent and downright ignorant 'humour' bugged the hell out of me.

So do all of us a favour, Rob, and stick to the movies in the future. Only then can we be truly safe in the knowledge that such staggering awfulness will at least remain restricted to the bargain bin.