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Forget romance...women just want a man who puts out the bins

MOST men spend a lifetime trying to figure out what women want but comedian Tommy Tiernan thinks he may have already cracked it.

Forget old school romance, wining and dining, according to Tommy, women just want a man who's willing to take out the bins.

"Women don't like me when I try to be romantic," the 43-year-old comic said. "I come across as seedy when I'm being charming.

"Sometimes when I'm trying to seduce my wife she goes 'you're being a bit creepy -- can you stop that now?'

"But when I do stuff like fill the coal bucket, or take the bins out -- that makes her horny."

Tommy thinks this may explain male strippers' saucy outfits.

"Maybe that's why strippers dress up as utility men," Tiernan said. "There's always a fireman or a plumber -- there's no poets. You would never see a stripping poet.

"Irish women would just shout at him 'Get over yourself! Bored! Fill the f***ing dishwasher, would ya!'" he said.

Tommy is like a little electric current snapping all the time. He's always seems to be in a state of high excitement, but this time it's with good reason -- his episode of Little Cracker will be on Sky 1 tonight.

"I'm beyond excited," he says. "I'm actually starting to get cranky like a child. I'm impatient, I want it to be on the TV right now." The episode will tell the tale of a childhood visit to a vet.

Tommy plays the part of the father in the semi-biographical tale, and described the show as a cross between Blade Runner and Fair City.

"That's how I would describe it; Blade Runner meets Fair City -- or if Ken Loach had directed Basil Fawlty."

Tommy said he would love to direct more TV shows and movies.

"Absolutely. I would love to move more heavily into film," he says. "That's a bit like asking a TD if he'd like to be Taoiseach. The power of directing is great."

But the funnyman has no desire to move Stateside. "I wouldn't go over to the US. I prefer it here. I'd like to make films in Connemara, and send them around the world. I'd like to become the Woody Allen of Carraroe."

And Tommy is already planning on setting some time aside next year to film in Galway.

"I hope to do some filming up in Galway during the summer. But don't get too carried away: it might just be me on my iPhone doing a bit of under cover work for Roches Stores."

The dad-of-five is one of the most successful Irish comedians in Ireland. Sales of his DVDs regularly reach the No 1 spot, and sell-out gigs and tours have seen him achieve the second-highest ticket sales of any Irish artist, after rock icons U2.

"I think I might have made that up," he jokes. "I can't imagine I sold more tickets than Westlife."

"I mean U2 would only have to play once in Ireland every five years or so, to be number one, I'm gigging five nights a week just to be number two. Ah well, you can't win them all," he laughs.

Tommy Tiernan's Little Cracker: Tonight, 9pm on Sky1