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Emily Joyce: 14/01/10

Week 2: After the excitement of the proposal, I’m left to ponder, what exactly does a wife do?


AM. Ah, hello world, and greetings 2010! I am ready for 'The Teenies'! Behold the giant sparkly rock that sits upon my finger and makes me have to drag my arm around like I'm a Neanderthal. It now seems that finally, after much gallivanting and fornication, the time has come for me to settle down. Best of all, apart from gearing up for a life of loving contentment and mutually rewarding partnership, I also get to be the only person in the office who actually has something interesting to say about how Christmas went rather than "quiet", "nice" or "ate too much".

PM. Shock! Hector incredulous over my newly engaged status; in fact, he is laughing hysterically. He reckons I'm not exactly "wife material".


AM. Still torn over impending new role; I mean, what am I expected to do? Meet Hubby at the door every evening with his feckin' pipe and slippers after a day spent ironing his Y-fronts?

PM. Bloody hell, even Queen Julian reckons he would make a better wife than me. Something must be done!


AM. Sorted. Have joined the Good Wife Internet Forum for advice on what a good wife does (hence the name).

PM. Hector reckons being the good wife is more about what I shouldn't do -- eg fall in drunk on a Saturday night with half a kebab smeared across my face. Have searched the Good Wife Forum, but there seem to be a lot of grey areas around this issue.


AM. Just to be safe, will consult colleagues about what the new-age Irishman expects of his wife.

PM. The results are in: 1) Make yummy dinners. This is not expected every night, but it is hoped that wifey dinners will be superior to the ones they make. 2) Do laundry. Again, this is not expected all the time, but it is hoped that wifey laundry will smell better and be more neatly folded than the laundry that they do, especially when it's their turn to do the rugby/soccer team kit. 3) Be quiet during major sporting events. Talking is only permissible at half-time and even then it helps if it's to do with the sport in question as concentration on anything else at that point is difficult for them. 4) Make them feel better after a crappy day by being warm and schnuggly. 5) Give regular you-know-whats, and wearing hold-up stockings is to be encouraged. If you can do both of the aforementioned simultaneously, even better.


AM. Have shown Owen the list of wifely duties and, thankfully, he laughed; he said as long as I make him the occasional Sunday roast like his mammy used to do, then he'd be more than happy. Must say, his face dropped a bit when I told him that was out of the question, doesn't he know that Sunday is hangover day?

PM. As loving relationships are all about compromise, have decided to cook Owen a 'Friday Roast' instead... just as long as he's out of the house by 9pm as have arranged to go clubbing with Bessie Mate Fiona.

Keep up with Emily's week on emilyjoycediary.wordpress.com