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Let's say Gilligan had knickers in his cell, is he a fan of How Clean is Your House?

You should choose your enemies carefully. But some things need to be said -- which is why, in my columns of the past few weeks, I've risked the wrath of one of Ireland's wealthiest families, a High Court judge, a fat journalist, and a man fond of picking fights outside nightclubs.

So when I read a story this week about a man being found in possession of two items of female underwear in his prison cell, I initially couldn't resist it.

These items were apparently smuggled into the cell along with a mobile phone.

Having the latter is your cell is a criminal offence, which could lead to a further sentence but, let's be honest, it's the knickers that we want to know about.

Who did they belong to, what material were they made of and go on, you're dying to know, what are they being used for?

But then I saw the name above the cell door... John Gilligan, our most feared convict.

It's tempting to hypothesize about what any man, never mind John Gilligan, would want with two pairs of women's knickers.

But out of respect to the due process of law, and with more than a passing glance at my own personal safety, I'm going to give John the benefit of the doubt.

I'm quite sure that there's a perfect innocent explanation for the appearance of these pants.

Given the cutbacks in the prison service, perhaps John had simply taken it upon himself to keep his cell clean, and was using them for some light dusting of his sideboard, or to keep his prized trophy nicely buffed up.

I'm sure the body toned Gilligan is a big fan of television's How Clean is Your House.

Whatever the reasons, I'm sure they're totally innocent...just like John Gilligan himself.