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Even Simon Cowell's marriage is all about him

Clocks stopped, ravens were spotted leaving the Tower and there was a nip in the air down in hell when Simon Cowell announced on Saturday night that he had met "the one".

The entertainment supremo’s heavily Botoxed face expressed something near emotion as he spoke of his new love, Mezhgan Hussainy. “She’s very special,” he said during a tear-jerking interview with Piers Morgan. “You know when you’ve found somebody very special.”

Mezghan must be very special indeed because Cowell has bought her a £250,000 (€275,500) engagement ring, with a wedding apparently planned for the summer. This comes as somewhat of a surprise, given that the X Factor judge is 50 years old and has not expressed a desire to commit to any of his previous girlfriends – he never told the last one, Terri Seymour, that he loved her, though he did buy her a house in Los Angeles when they broke up.

Indeed, Cowell has been vehemently anti the institution of marriage, describing it as an “outdated contract”. “I don’t believe in marriage, certainly not in this business. The truth is that you get married and in a year or two they clean you out.”

One is sure that Mezghan – it’s pronounced Mish Gone, in case you were wondering – is not marrying Cowell for his millions (all 123 of them). Trouble is, looking at the man, it’s difficult to nail any other reasons. His 36-year-old fiancée was once forced into an arranged marriage with a much older carpet-seller who was said to have terrible body odour and apparently disgusted her, but nothing should be so traumatic that it drives you into the waxed arms of Simon Cowell.

I had dinner with him many moons ago – business, not pleasure – and he decided that we would have it at a lap-dancing club. I thought this a little odd, but odder still, I recall, was the fact that he barely registered the scores of scantily clad girls gyrating in front of him. He seemed two-dimensional and incredibly sexless.

With his box haircut and his passion for Botox – he has admitted that having the poison injected into his face is like brushing his teeth – he appears almost lifelike, like an Action Man figure. You can just imagine taking his trousers off and discovering a pair of plastic pants. He says that he is a nine out of ten in bed, but you know what they say of any male who feels the need to boast of his sexual prowess.

Most women detest men who spend longer in the bathroom than they do, and Cowell’s vanity is legendary. He has allegedly spent £10,000 (€11,000) on his teeth alone. He waxes both his chest and, allegedly, his hands. He makes Gok Wan look like Russell Crowe.

But while money can buy you Botox and pearly white teeth, it cannot buy you taste. Visitors to his Los Angeles home report that his napkins are black and have his initials monogrammed on them. He uses jet black toilet paper, at £10 a roll.

Perhaps he likes Mezghan because she looks so similar to him. The pair met on the set of American Idol, where she does his make-up. In the past he has said that he likes her because “she makes me look so handsome”. He has said that he is “very happy for her” for managing to snare him. I think that if a man said this about me my first reaction would be to slap him rather than marry him. Still, the best clue as to his change in heart over marriage can be found in another quote from the Piers Morgan interview. “I think I need to have little Simons running around.” Note no mention of little Mezghans; in marriage, as in everything else, it seems it's all about him.

© Telegraph.co.uk

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