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7 Days in the life of: David Coleman

Slow, steady exposure is the best way to get used to my face

Sunday: Children in today's world can't turn on a television without seeing my face benignly nodding and murmuring: "How does that make you feel?" So, I'm going to show you how they can work through that.

Monday: Write my column for Ireland's 'newspaper of fact'. Advise a mother that the best way to stop her toddler screaming every time I appear on TV is to turn it off, then reintroduce my face slowly over a period of a week.

Tuesday: Good reviews so far for Teens in the Wild. Maybe I'll tell reporters during interviews the little-known fact that I went through 16 pairs of glasses for the three-week duration.

Wednesday: One distressed emailer wants to know what to do now that her 16-year-old daughter has taken to wearing leather trousers.

Thursday: I tell the distressed emailer that we have to let our children make their own fashion mistakes.

Friday: Give a seminar to a group of parents about bed-wetting. I tell them that bed-wetting is pretty minor compared to what will happen when their kids start wearing leather trousers.

Saturday: If your kids haven't realised that I'm the psychologist the media rely on, then that's tough.

Or this is how it would be if we were David...