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7 Days in the life of Charlie Bird

Dogs abducted by aliens are no replacement for Snuggles

Sunday: Day number 360 in this unbearable prison of loneliness. Will there be a jailbreak? Let's hope so, for all our sanities.

Monday: Ring the RTÉ newsdesk and ask them if there's anything in particular I should be covering. I take their stunned silence to mean I should definitely get on to that newborn panda story.

Tuesday: I'm sick of the Obamas. It's alright for them in the White House with their kids around them and their adorable dog, Bo.

Wednesday: No-one cares about Charlie. And what about my beloved cat, Snuggles? He's got no-one to watch Countdown with now.

Thursday: Day number 364. Snuggles and I are separated by an ocean but we'll always have... Ah, feck this, I'm going home. But before I go, one last quirky human interest story about a dog named Spot who was allegedly abducted by Katy Perry-loving aliens.

Friday: My last day. Harvey and Lesley, my Washington team, are devastated by my departure. But sometimes, the heart wants what it wants.

Saturday: I'm back where I belong, with Countdown and Snuggles pressed up against the TV. This is really what life's all about. There's always a fly in the ointment, though: if only Carol Vorderman would come back.

Or this is how it would be if we were Charlie ...