Coffee Morning Whispers: I'm not going to hold my breath

Shallow DOF.

Marie Carberry

Usually I avoid the type of article that shouts things like, 'Get Katy Perry's thighs!', or 'How to get Emily Blunt's waist!', or 'Do you want your arms to look like Jennifer Anniston's?' Sure, I'd love all of them but with my wrinkles and celluols it ain't gonna happen.

To add insult to injury the Christmas food and drink splurge was bigger than ever and, as Patsy pointed out, my backside is now taking up a third of my body weight. If I don't do something about it those elasticated jeans will soon be hanging in my wardrobe.

And so it was with a heavy heart that I was moved to click on the headline that screamed, 'WANT A BODY LIKE ROSIE HUNTINGTON WHITELEY?'

I had no idea who Rosie was but there was a very alluring picture of her posing in Valentine lingerie for M&S.

The pink knickers were teeny tiny bits of lace and satin and, luckily for Rosie, she fitted into them like a second skin. Likewise, the bra was just the perfect size for her peachy bosoms. And, oh ladies, I can't tell you how perfect her thighs were, smooth and tanned and with just the merest hint of a thigh gap.

'YES!' sez I, throwing caution to the wind. I really do want a body like Rosie Hankie Tittlefart or whatever her name is. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it.

It turns out that Rosie works with a fitness guru to the stars called James Duigan and James had some very simple tips which he promised would give me a body like Rosie's.

COCONUT FAT

His first and most important tip is to "stress less and try and make some time for yourself". Okay, I thought it would be a little more profound than that but I'll go with the flow with this one. I moved on to the next tip.

It turns out that James is a big fan of coconut fat. "It's good for you in so many ways," he says. "For example it helps with your digestion and boosts your immune system."

I was starting to get just the teeniest bit annoyed. I'd be on a hiding to nothing if I thought that stressing less and eating coconut fat was going to get me a body like Rosie's.

But perhaps the last tip might get me over the line to the Promised Land.

"Breathe," says James. "It sounds obvious but breathing is often something we do without thinking."

I thought about it alright James.

I thought about it as I was reading that bloody article and about to burst a blood vessel.

And then I started to hyperventilate as I realised the only place that lingerie will ever fit is over my head...

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