Friday 19 January 2018

Oh the things I would choose to eat, do and wear for my last day on Death Row...

Myself and the Eldest came up with a new game last week to entertain ourselves whilst we waited in the car to collect the youngest from school. It's called 'Death Row'.

We used to play another game that we made up called "Grossology" where you had to come up with hypothetically disgusting situations for the other person to choose from. Eg: Would you rather eat dog poo or drink cat pee! We'd spend hours during the week simply sitting in the car, doubled over with laughter as the choices got more and more revolting.

Unfortunately the Eldest has now grown out of that game and no matter how much I beg him to play it with me, he refuses. So we had to think of another more "grown up" game and this is where 'Death Row' was born.

It evolved from him asking me one day, what would I do if I was on death row. 'Pray' I said laughing. 'Do people really have a last meal of their choice on death row?' he asked. 'I think so,' I replied.

'What would you have as your last meal?'

I started clapping my hands excitedly and said, 'OOOh I love this kind of game!' The Child looked at me pityingly and said, 'You really are a bit mad.'

It took me a while to come up with a definitive answer, after all if it's going to be your last meal you want to make sure it's going to be pretty damn good. I discarded all sorts of fancy fare like caviare, or Lobster Thermidor (not that I've ever had either but, you know they sound like the kind of thing you'd eat if you were about to be put in The Chair) and in the end my choice was plain and simple.

'Right, I want loads of crusty bread, Kerrygold butter and tons of different cheeses...not blue ones though, they're too smelly.'

'OK,' he says. 'Oh and a bottle of champagne, might as well be plastered whilst they administer the lethal injection.' I was silent for a few moments. 'If I don't have dessert, could I have something else instead?' I enquired.

'Suppose it depends on the prison authorities but go on, I'm saying yes,' said the Child.

'Can I have my mam's home made chips and a fried egg as well?' He informed me that technically that was two dinners so we argued for a few minutes but finally agreed that if I wasn't having dessert, it might be alright.

'And I'd like music in the background playing whilst it all happens – a bit of Cry Before Dawn, and that song Forever Young by Alphaville and You're Still the One by Shania Twain, that was me and your dad 's first dance at our wedding,' I said sighing happily.

'You know it's kind of scary that you're putting so much thought into this. The chances are you'll never end up on Death Row," the Eldest informed me knowingly. 'I do know that, but just in case.'

'Oh like all the "just in case" clothes you pack when we're going on holidays' he said smirking.

'Exactly. I wonder would they let me pick my own outfit or would I have to wear those awful prison jumpsuits?'

The Eldest puts his head in his hands and says, 'Oh God what have I started.'

Gorey Guardian

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