Friday 20 April 2018

If I had ever introduced a carb ban in our house, I'd have been chucked out within a week

I've always had a bit of a thing for Chris Martin. Actually I've always had a thing for men with microphones full stop.

 Except maybe Daniel O'Donnell or yer man from Crystal Swing. You have to draw the line somewhere.

Anyway back to Chris Martin. Yes, I've always liked the brooding rock star vibe. Good looking in an understated sort of way, cool yet not try-hard. And his music. Well I could sit and navel gaze all day listening to a Coldplay album.

So I was a bit disappointed when he ended up marrying LA princess Gwyneth Paltrow. It felt like he was selling out. After all he was just a normal bloke, the kind you might see having a pint and a packet of peanuts in the pub. She's Hollywood royalty with glossy blonde hair and long toned legs. Grrrrrr! She's the kind of girl us average women love to hate: Beautiful, talented and rich.

It may have come as a surprise to many that they called time on their 10 year marriage this week, but not to me. I'm amazed they lasted as long as they did! While I'm not saying it was all her fault, but she did call their children Apple and Moses! Come on, that in itself is enough to warrant divorce.

Gwyneth also regularly waxes lyrical about her healthy lifestyle, how she introduced a carb ban in the house and feeds her children and hubbie kale chips and detox juices. She didn't get to look the way she looks by eating Maccie D's did she?! Chris looks like the sort of a fella who'd enjoy a big feed of steak and chips, washed down by a bottle of whatever's on special in Tesco.

There were cracks showing for quite some time apparently. And then this week, rather than just announcing they're splitting up, they issue a press release on her website referring to it as a 'conscious uncoupling' really? Who does that? Someone who is so self absorbed and narcissistic they think they're above being described as "separating'.

If I had ever introduced a carb ban in our house, I'd have been chucked out within a week. As for calling children names like Apple and Moses, I wasn't even allowed call our son Alex for fear of it being too girly! Himself would probably overlook the Kabbalah thing if she'd let him have spuds but the spuds would've been a deal breaker.

'Aren't you lucky you didn't marry Gwyneth Paltrow?" I told him the other day. He tore his eyes away from the soccer match on the telly for a second to look at me questioningly. 'I am?' he asks unsurely.

'Well first of all she wouldn't be letting you sit there on Mother's Day watching soccer. And she'd make you eat kale and go to Kabbalah meetings. And you'd never get away with all your boys nights out.'

'Probably wouldn't want to go on boys nights out if I was married to Gwyneth Paltrow' he replied distractedly as a goal was scored.

There could be an 'unconsicous uncoupling' happening very soon, if he's not careful.

Gorey Guardian