The secret life of Lorraine Keane

Maybe my book should be called How to Walk in High Heels? I think someone might have already done that, though. Ah well. When has that ever stopped me before?

Monday

I’m just going through the proofs. Piers Morgan, eat your heart out. You ain’t seen nothing yet. Well, apart from writing an actual expose about actual celebrities, instead of a moanfest about a spat with your former employers.

Tuesday

The phone just hasn’t stopped ringing — the press want to know every juicy detail about what goes down in the book. Like, who knew that Will Ferrell had Irish roots? Or that Tom Cruise really hates celery?

Wednesday

All I’ll say is that some Irish celebrities should be very worried. But not the Xpose girls — there was never any bitchiness between us. Mainly because they never stepped out of line.

Thursday

It’s good to be back where I belong — in the bosom of the public eye, keeping everyone guessing about whether they should be a) scared or b) very scared. On second thoughts, maybe it should be called How to Win Friends and Influence People?

Friday

I’m still throwing around ideas for titles. I was thinking about Lorraine Avant Xpose, inspired by Coco Avant Chanel, but who cares about my time on AA Roadwatch? Only so many times you can say ‘roundabout.’

Saturday

Time to take a break to spend some time with my family. Which is why I, ahem, quit TV3 in the first place.

Or this is how it would be if we were Lorraine Keane . . .