Saturday 20 July 2019

Watery end for the man who 'nose' everything

The Husband said I was mad to do it. I didn't listen to him, as usual, but the next time he says that it's probably not the best idea to take the kids to an extremely popular local attraction during the peak Easter holidays, I may not just roll my eyes and say 'tsk'.

Taking my two Lads to Funtasia Waterpark in Drogheda led to yet another super-embarrassing incident with a man - again. A fortnight ago, it was the 'chair incident' where I broke the thing I was sitting on while visting a well-heeled man and his wife. Last week, I am unhappy to report, another 'accident' befell me, equall,y if not more, shameful than the previous one.

Funtasia is somewhere I have been before, once, last summer, after the kids pestered me to bits about it. On that occasion, the place was busy but not packed and it was, in fairness, a great day out.

However, the Easter holidays seemed to put the place into everyone's mind and I could hardly believe it when I couldn't find a parking space that wasn't occupied by a Northern car.

And they weren't just Northern cars that Dundalk people have a propensity for, they contained proper Northern people who seemed to have decided they may as well head an hour South and get into a water park for the euro equivalent of 50p.

Of course, prior to braving the water, I had purchased a new swim suit. It was like, two thirds off, in a sale in Tesco. And I may as well admit, it was green, (not a good green either) and had polka dots. When I saw myself briefly in the mirror in Funtasia, I shuddered at my penny-pinching. But it was either wear it or tell the Wee Lad that we had to go home before he's put his toe in the water. I would have chosen to go in the nude rather than brave that flip-out.

I can't swim, you don't need to in Funtasia, but I also hate water in my face, which is a pre-requisite for the place. Despite my trepidation about the green polka dot swimsuit, no-one gave a flying swimcap what you looked like - it was all about the kids.

And in that spirit, I braved a couple of the water slides with the lads. The Wee Lad was particularly keen and he would shoot down one while I stood at the top and watched him descend, unadulterated happiness beaming from his little face.

But it was on one of these slides that my super-embarrassing moment arrived. And before you think I had a 'wardrobe malfunction', everything stayed inside the swimsuit. However, as I reached the bottom of the slide, I was just about to get up when, and there is no delicate way of putting it, I felt a nose in my nether region.

A man had been right behind me on the slide and, lying down, he couldn't stop himself at the bottom in time to halt his legs going through mine and his nose hitting the foo-foo.

I stood up immediately, as a lady would, while he lay there, rubbing his eyes and his nose, and wondering if what he thought had happened to him really had happened. I was quick to reach down and pull him up by the hand, smiling politely while he mumbled his apologies in his Northern accent. 'Well that was suitably embarrassing', I said, not wishing to aportion blame. 'At least you had a soft landing anyway'. He looked halfway between shame and fright and we went our separate ways.

Thank God the Lads didn't see anything - I could have drowned in there and they wouldn't have cared. I told the Husband about the foo-foo incident and yer man's nose. 'Didn't I tell you not to be going there in the Easter holidays?' he harrumphed in the tone of someone who 'nose' everything.

Irish Independent