Sunday 17 February 2019

The Year Ahead

British PM Theresa May
British PM Theresa May
LGBT
David McWilliams
Ingrid Miley
Taoiseach Enda Kenny

Pat Fitzpatrick

As another fascinating year begins to draw to a close, our reporter takes a look at the big news items that will dominate our world in 2017

1 The Economy

Trump and Theresa May will lower corporate tax rates in the hope of luring our multinationals back to their gaff. Facebook and Google will laugh in their faces, because they are only here for our young people and access to the Wild Atlantic Way. (They're unconvinced about the Ancient East. Like the rest of us.) In the event that our nerdy tech overlords make a decision based on money, we'll be left with one economic sector. Hipsters selling artisan products in jam jars. Look, we'll be fine.

2 The States

January 20. That's when Donald will be inaugurated leader of the Free World. He might change that title to something else. Our guess is The Trump Free World. It will be interesting to see if Trump keeps his word about inviting Enda Kenny to the White House for Patrick's Day. Aide: "There's a guy called Enda here, Mr President, with a bowl of parsley. He once implied you're a dangerous racist." Trump: "That's the nicest thing anyone ever said about me. Show him in."

3 Boom II

Property prices will pass their 2007 peak next year. Enda will appear on telly and give us a big thumbs-up, roaring: "Fair play, lads, we did it. Where are our critics now?" In Mountjoy. Morgan Kelly and David McWilliams will be locked up and put incommunicado, because they talked the boom down the last time and wrecked it for everyone. If history has thought us anything, it's that Irish people have a memory span of 10 years.

4 LGBT

The lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender acronym is so 1990s. The revised acronym is so long, that by the time you get to the end of it, they've added another one. You can expect a flood of new additions next year. An early contender is D, for demisexual. This is defined as someone who does not experience sexual attraction until they form an emotional bond. This might also be represented by the letter W, as in woman, says you, starting all kinds of trouble on Twitter.

5 Ingrid Mileys

They will build a large dormitory at the Labour Court to house all the Ingrid Miley clones, who will be stationed there to cover a year of non-stop public-sector strikes. There is every confidence the extension will be completed on time, as it will be built by private-sector types who can't down tools just because they feel sad. There will be no problem at all financing the project because, as we know, money grows on trees.

Sunday Indo Life Magazine

Today's news headlines, directly to your inbox every morning.

Don't Miss

Editor's Choice