Your Majesty, let us back into the realm
DEAR Your Majesty, On behalf of the people of Ireland I beseech you to take our little country back into the bosom of your realm and provide us with succour in our most dire hour of need.
Please ignore our complaining ad nauseam about 800 years of colonialism, your dodgy imperial past, your overrated football, cricket and rugby teams and all our unkind utterances about your wonderful family
Let me just remind you that we remain steadfast in our obsession with all things English: your gift to the world that is the English language, most of the world's major sports, your Premiership football teams, your soap operas, your musical genres, your high-street shopping -- not to mention that system of law for which we remain eternally grateful.
Nobody loves us any more, hardly anybody will lend us money and those that will actually want it back and with interest. Our politicians have been shown to be no more than a bunch of chancers and clowns who are about to bankrupt us all while they merely take a cut in expenses.
Everybody is laughing at us and showering us all with pity, which only used to happen during Eurovision or on 'The Late Late Show'.
If you could just bring yourself to offload a few of those jewels that you hardly ever wear and throw a few billion this way, we would ensure that street parties across the land will be held in the wake of your visit, which we barely deserve.
The country is already in raptures at the announcement of your grandson's engagement to some bird from Berkshire.
Of course, no other country in the civilised world would have saddled its citizenry with decades of hardship by bailing out its wastrel banks with billions of euro that it couldn't afford.
But the difference is. . . we're Irish.