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Offside Trap

• "It is the prosecution's case that you, Mr Coach, did conspire with 11 others to attack the Italian defence, thus endangering Italy's God-given right to qualify for the quarter finals of every Euro championship!

"How do you plead?"

Coach: "Guilty, your majesty, but it is a well-known fact that my actions, on this occasion, were totally out of character".

Judge: "Thank you, Mr Coach, and because of your early guilty plea, I sentence you to another four years as manager of the Irish soccer team -- with the last two years suspended. Any further outbreaks of attacking football and I will have you deported to South America. You are free to go!

Niall Ginty
Killester, Dublin 5

Irish Independent