Thursday 22 March 2018

Land of dreams

•I have a dream. More a nightmare really. It's Danny Morrison, the old Sinn Fein spindoctor, being press secretary for the new Free State. . . oops I mean 26 counties. . . no, that's not it. . . what do you call that little unsocialist non-paradise down south? Ah yes, Ireland.

Anyhow, his hero Mort wants to become president and thinks it would enhance the peace process no end to have such a singularly benign character running things for a change. Mort is a man of substance and an open book to boot. He left the IRA (circa 1974) and entered a Carthusian monastery.

Like Abraham Lincoln, he couldn't tell a lie, so he took a vow of silence. Added to his oath of omerta given to his comrades in arms, Mort was in his element. He devoted his life to prayerful ejaculations until suddenly called upon by the top brass to take his place at the Table of Peace and Reconciliation (otherwise known as the IRA Army Council). Dreadful things had been done in his absence. But Mort knew nothing of this.

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