It's a dog's life
• Yesterday, I was at my local store buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't but I was starting the Doggie Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital the last time, and had lost two stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with doggie nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.