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Bull market

Understanding the economic crisis through the eyes of a cow.....

Socialism: You have two cows. You give one to your neighbour.

Communism: You have two cows. The state takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The state takes both and sells you some milk.

Bureaucratism: You have two cows. The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

Traditional capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Anglo-Irish venture capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit issued by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/ equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for

five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

An American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads because the government wants you to work for an extra year to stop the country going bankrupt over pensions. You decide to have lunch.

A Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of a cow and get 20 times the milk.

A Swiss Corporation: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A Chinese Corporation: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment. You arrest the newspaperman who reported the real situation.

An Indian Corporation: You have two cows. You worship them.

Sean Kelly
Newtown Hill, Tramore, Waterford

Irish Independent