Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: The wife and Eileen Pidgeon finally meet, and my nerves (and shirt buttons) can't take the pressure

I've cut myself shaving. The wife is staring at the triangle of toilet paper that's covering the wound.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: Setting sail for calmer waters down the local, my hopes for a tranquil new year are swiftly sunk

I need to escape. The Bahamas, the Riviera, the Algarve, the local. I can't find my passport, so I climb into my jacket and set sail for the local.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: A Christmas shopping trip with the grandson really is something to trumpet about

We're off into town again, me and the little grandson. We're going in search of the Christmas clothes. I used to bring him. This time, though, he's bringing me. He's holding my hand, he's taking me to the bus stop.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: There's been a death in the family - but my funeral jumper is now the dogs' bed

I can't find my funeral jumper. The wife's uncle is after dying, so I need it for the morning.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: Using the c-word too early used to land me in a whole lot of trouble as a kid

I met a widow a month ago.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: Charting the UK election campaign is a load of bollix

How many bollixes is Johnson now? I ask the wife.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: I'd be lost without my daughter's conscience to hold me by the hand, but Daughter-Land can be a puritanical place

I have to be careful. The daughter's in the house. She moved out a while back - and moved in with her partner, Keith. I miss her and the little grandson, but I've got used to being able to say and shout anything I want.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: 'I'll do anything to avoid a hug - unless you're a Viking in dire need of a pint'

I hate hugging. I really hate it.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: Left shaken - and stirred - by a spook in the men's shed

I'm in the local with the Secret Woman. We've two nice pints in front of us and he's digging into a packet of Tayto, because - he says - he's after coming straight from work.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: People watching when you're stuck on the bus without headphones

I'm on the bus and it's packed. It's a horrible day out there, one of the those warm and wet days when you're sweating and freezing, and the windows of the bus are steaming; there's nothing to see. I'm standing downstairs, clinging to a pole, even though the bus isn't moving. Upstairs is my natural habitat but it's full. So I'm stuck here.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: I've had an idea for a new reality show - and it all started with a health check

I did one of those health checks a while back. It was the summer and there was no football on the telly, so I was looking for things to get me through the hungry months and - don't ask me why ­- I signed up for the health check.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: 'Hurricane Lorenzo was nothing more than a storm in a teacup'

Look!

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: 'We love you, Greta Thunberg, will you adopt us, please?'

Myself and the wife are adopting Greta. We haven't told the kids yet. Or the grandkids.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: 'The most dangerous phrase in the English language? It's free. Now I'm hooked'

My phone is up in the attic. And it's staying there. I don't need it, I don't want it. If I need to phone anyone, I'll use the landline, the yoke on the wall in the kitchen. If I want to stick a fiver on a horse, I'll walk down to Paddy Power's. If I want to know the time, I'll ask the wife or look at the clock in the microwave. If I want to know what the weather's like, I'll look out the f**kin' window.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: 'Brexiety? Keep calm and stockpile the Club Milks'

We're all set for a no-deal Brexit. We've the freezer full of Brennans bread.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: By my beard - curiosity backfires again  

I’ve never really understood that saying, ‘Curiosity killed the cat.’  But I can tell you now: it killed the flies, the wasps and a fair few of the bees.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: If you remember it, you weren't really there

It's been a long, long day. I'm climbing into the bed, trying not to creak too much.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: Meditation 101 - finding the right mantra

So, I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor. And I've been like this for quite a while. Hours, I'd say ­­­- even days. I think I've gone through darkness, daylight, and back into darkness. I think I've grown a beard.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: 'About last night... I went for a pint and threw my yoga mat into a skip'

I'm giving mindfulness a go. I think. I can't remember what I've agreed to, exactly. I was on my way to a beginners' yoga class - I was actually at the side door of the parish hall where Rita from around the corner holds the classes - before it really dawned on me what I might be letting myself in for, and I turned back. I went for a pint and threw my yoga mat into a skip.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: Buoyed up by the mosque on Dublin's Talbot Street

I'm walking past the mosque on Talbot Street.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: 'He's a culchie. He's no right to an opinion on our seagulls'

There's a chap on the radio giving out about the seagulls. He's just after calling them vermin. Dublin's seagulls - vermin?! I wouldn't mind but he's a culchie. He's no right to an opinion on our seagulls.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: 'I'm drugged to the gills... I fell off a swing'

I'm drugged to the gills. It's a long story. But it's not, really.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: A secret rendezvous with a Bond Girl

It's quiet in the local. I'm there before my pal, the Secret Woman. There's racing on the telly but the sound is down. The sun is exactly as I want it, outside but sending a solid-looking beam through one of the windows, across the floor. I have to wade through sunshine to get to the bar.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: 'I'm blaming the Saoirse McHugh young one... It isn't easy being green'

Whenever I hear someone talking about climate change, on the radio or in the kitchen, I think of my father. I can nearly hear him.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: Were the good old days really that good?

I worry about nostalgia. I spend most of my days privately, and sometimes not so privately, weeping for the old days. And at the same time I know well: most of the old days were sh**e. But I hear a song from the early Savage years, and I'm off. I don't even have to like it. I can hate the song - Sylvia's Mother, for example - but still listen, and sit back and remember a life that I never actually lived. I'm dancing with a girl; she has her head on my shoulder and she pulls me closer to her. I am, as we used to put it, away on a hack.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: 'You are now entering Rural Ireland'

I'm going to have a gawk at Rural Ireland. The wife's coming with me; we're making a day of it. The little grandson is with us too. The daughter's gone to Spain for a few days, with her partner, Keith; they've gone to a wedding, even though she doesn't approve of marriage as an institution.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: Being spotted on the top deck calls for an immaculate deception

I still get a bit of a buzz when I'm going up the stairs, even when the legs are protesting. My mother warned me never to go upstairs on the bus. So, of course, I did.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: 'His big dopey face landed right on top of my f***in' head'

I get up onto my stool beside the Secret Woman.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: What becomes of the broken hearted? They take the 29A…

I'm leaning against a bus shelter. And in case you're wondering why, I'm waiting for the bus. I've an app on my phone that tells me when the bus is due and, more often than not, it's bang-on. So, strictly speaking, I don't need to be here, holding up the shelter. But I've always been of the opinion that, to fully embrace the experience, you have to do one of two things, either be a bit early and have to wait, or be a bit late and have to run.

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Roddy Doyle's Charlie Savage: I've been hearing for years that no one goes to League of Ireland matches but, tonight, the place is heaving

The turnstile is the first surprise. I'd forgotten about the turnstile and the excitement you feel when it gives way as you push. We're in Phibsborough, me and the wife, just outside Dalymount Park.