Billy Keane

Independentie

Tuesday, 26 May 2020 | 15.4°C Dublin

News [1]
Opinion [2]
Business [3]
Sport [4]
Life [5]
Style [7]
Entertainment [8]
Travel [9]

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Independentie

News [1]
Opinion [2]
Business [3]
Sport [4]
Life [5]
Style [7]
Entertainment [8]
Travel [9]

Menu Sections

Billy Keane

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'Do not despair. Pubs will breathe freedom again. Its a question of how and when.' (stock image)

Billy Keane Opinion My 'Fair City' lockdown lock-in at McCoys of Carrigstown gave a taste of problems pubs will face

By now I am sure some of you at least have seen last Monday night's 'Claire Byrne Live' on RTÉ One.

'Monday next will test out the patriotism of the nation.'

Billy Keane Opinion Love is in the air from Monday - just as long as the pheromones can travel at least two metres

Do any of ye happen to know what the pheromones are? I only learned what they were this week, when I read about a dating site based in Mullingar.

'There’s bound to be a world shortage of bananas at this rate of baking. Monkeys are falling off the trees with hunger, and rooms in the house are narrowing every day with all the coats of paint.' Stock photo

Billy Keane Opinion After an invitation from an Achill Island sheep farmer, it seems Mrs 39 has got her appetite back

Mrs 39 is still off the sex. The woman who hasn't had sex for 39 years, cocooned for months.

Keeping the spirits up: Billy Keane and his fellow publicans face an uncertain future due to the restrictions imposed as a result of the Covid-19 crisis. Photo: Mark Condren

Billy Keane Opinion Closing time will finally come to an end with a glass half full in last-chance saloon

It's the stories you miss most of all. And the brains. Pagans are praying and it's the longest some of us have been off the drink since our confirmation. Generally speaking I only repeat myself when I burp but here's one I've been dining out on for years..

'The world’s TV chefs are killing millions from obesity, yet no one complains, but three or four minutes of sex is shown late at night, and there’s war.' Stock image

Billy Keane Opinion Spare a thought for lockdown lovers and normal people who'd settle for a bite of fresh trout

The fishing got me thinking about the sex on the television. 'Normal People' was all catch and no release.

'I welcomed the swallows as I welcomed their ancestors every year ever since I was a small boy.'

Billy Keane Opinion Times are grim, especially for townie crows - but Fr Joe and the swallows always cheer me up

There should be a doctor's cert for extroverts. It's not easy. We thrive on contact with other people.

'It’s a bit like the fighter pilots who go from home comforts to the fight for the lives of their people. Some get shot down.' Stock photo

Billy Keane Opinion It's an Irish thing to show our love by slagging someone off - we are nice by saying horrible things

The man I spoke to gave the most of this week painting the front wall of the house.

'Running out of paint was an emergency. The alternative was too stark a choice. You couldn’t have a man sitting doing nothing.'

Billy Keane Opinion Painting is the new drinking in the age of Covid, as Ireland wraps itself in several fresh new coats

There are winners and there are losers. The paint factories are cleaning up. You talk to your friends and ask: "How do you pass the day?" Nearly every one of them has the same answer.

If he sniffles and coughs up a small planet, Herself will hardly say ‘will you shut up complaining, it’s only man-flu’. Now the response will be to commit Himself to self-isolation and book him a ticket for Croke Park and the testing. Stock picture

Holy lockdown - Batman's plight shows how things could be worse as we face the music and dance

One of the lads coughed into his elbow. I stepped back from the laptop. There was a movie on the television lately and these mutants came out through the screen and did horrible things to people in their own living room.

Mick O’Dwyer in action in 1964; beaten by Galway that year he helped Kerry football rise again. Photo: Connolly Collection/SPORTSFILE

Billy Keane Opinion Sport has hit the snooze button but keep faith in your newspapers until we rise again

We will see this out with a story from around 50 BC - or 50 years before corona. You wouldn't know these days if it's all right to write of happy times.