Journalists

Billy Keane: 'Best of enemies uncork rescue remedy for football' 

In a year when silage was cut in January, Kerry and Dublin went at each other as if this was autumn and All-Ireland final day.

Billy Keane: 'Neighbour, mentor, friend: why Johnny Cahill personified all that is good about life in small places' 

Sometimes when travellers describe small places, they say "blink and you'll miss it". They were never in Dunnamaggin and never met Johnny Cahill.

Billy Keane: 'Ten minutes before kick off and the Aviva was almost empty - the Irish players deserve better than that' 

There's a line from the Kris Kristofferson song Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down that springs to mind today: "No way to hold my head that didn't hurt."

Billy Keane: 'Forget Brexit and what might divide us - there are no borders in an Irish rugby dressing room' 

The English have landed. Never has an invading force from the other side of the Irish Sea been more welcome.

Billy Keane: 'No place for tut-tutting as Sexton and Co start their title defence' 

The best fun weekend of the lot is nearly here and the 'Tut-Tuts' are not happy, as you might expect. The partying begins today, which is traditionally the first day of spring, ahead of tomorrow's Ireland v England Six Nations clash.

Billy Keane: 'The shamrock is going up in smoke as our national symbol, replaced by an evil usurper - we need to act now' 

The unprecedented success of high yield, financially viable horticultural produce has hit the headlines in recent times.

Billy Keane: 'Ireland get the job done but it would be a lie to say they conquered Rome' 

Rome has seen its share of turmoil over the centuries and at half-time yesterday it looked as if Ireland would flood the Tiber with tears of grief.

Billy Keane: 'You'd want to be a right lúbán not to enjoy the English language as it's spoken in all corners of our island' 

We speak a number of different versions of the English language in this country. Our linguistic log started in Cork city. We travelled from there to west Limerick and ended in John B's, when Derry came to Kerry.

Billy Keane: 'After running for their lives, asylum seekers now run for their dignity' 

Last week in Cork, I met with six runners who were forced to run away from their beloved, but troubled, homelands.

Billy Keane: 'Hospice decision came out of left field - and put fate of butterflies ahead of the people most in need' 

We need to tell you today of how it was An Bord Pleanála refused planning permission for a hospice in Galway, because, among other things, it was worried about the fate of a field.

Billy Keane: 'All small towns have a local bore but we're unlucky to have two... and they'd drive you Demented' 

The weather, as expected, has turned wintry. Then again, this is winter.

Billy Keane: 'Holland's Heist enters folklore as 'baste' Billy saves season' 

Exeter Chiefs, leaders of the English Premiership, are famed for their clinical execution in the red zone. Late on, the Chiefs were awarded a lineout close to the Munster line.

Billy Keane: 'Winter's return puts spring in my step after bewildering new year of butterflies and daffodils' 

Seventy-nine-year-old Chris Sexton from Miltown Malbay told Andrew Hamilton of 'The Clare People' he filled buckets of wild field mushrooms over the last few weeks.

Billy Keane: 'Only a strong dose of Corkness will sort Rebel football mess' 

Cork County Board chairperson Tracey Kennedy defined Corkness as "that air of confidence just on the right side of arrogance - an unparalleled pride and our insatiable desire for Cork to be the best at absolutely everything."

Billy Keane: 'Strange obsession with lad waving a polo stick on front of cheap US T-shirts cost me my best source' 

My best source has been cruelly taken from me by the scaremongering of transatlantic shoppers. It's not like as if there isn't anything much going on. The one good thing about Trump is that you'd never be stuck for a column.

Billy Keane: 'How Margaret the giant turkey lived to see another Christmas but left trail of destruction behind her' 

Margaret had a bounty on her head. She was dead meat they said. Her days were numbered anyway and the escape from captivity was considered to be no more than a stay of execution.

Billy Keane: 'We're all Munster's children once the red jersey goes on' 

It was the way Benjamin Urdapilleta looked over at the ref that gave away his guilt.

Billy Keane: 'A Christmas feed that would take care of two for €2.97? The Tight Woman has a word for it - sort of' 

The word the woman I met in the street used was loco-commotion. It's a new word even though it sounds like an old word for moving, if you say it fast.

Billy Keane: 'This united bunch of Munster men will take some stopping' 

Is it a compliment when you criticise a team that have won by 25 points?

Billy Keane: 'When I heard that Mrs 39 was cooling an oul lad's tae, I thought my '50 Shades' moment had gone' 

The Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex For 39 Years is worried she will lose her widow's pension. Even though Mrs 39 (reluctantly) attended her husband's funeral 27 years ago, she could still be married.

Billy Keane: 'Kieran Donaghy casts aside his Demons in cup derby' 

The full name of the game was the Hula Hoops Pat Duffy National Cup Q/F Garvey's Tralee Warriors v UCC Demons.

Billy Keane: 'Sexton's smelly old boots drop another triumphant goal for little Anna - and a couple of rascals' 

Jonathan Sexton's famous boots were sold off at €15,500 for the two. There was another 10 grand paid up front by way of bank draft by Betty Boots.

Billy Keane: 'I'll never forget my dear friend Weeshie's words of wisdom and how he lifted our spirits' 

Weeshie Fogarty - broadcaster, writer, nurse, the most loving of husbands and the dearest of dads - died last week, but he did not pass away and he never will.

Billy Keane: 'Parents, if your son or daughter is at college, there's more than a 50pc chance they're on drugs' 

There is more money around and the recovery has reached rural Ireland. The improvements in terms of income are here at last, but in smaller increments than in the cities.

Billy Keane: 'Mighty men in green make history from top of bucket list' 

I know there are those of you who write down things to do before you die.

Billy Keane: 'Feel-good tale of Kenyan and little girl who has been through so much' 

Chance and Circumstance met on the banks of a fast river in a mad hurry for the sea. And here is the story of that meeting.

Billy Keane: 'Chipper van man with his aromatic exhaust is no worse than TV food shows after 9pm' 

This plan is cunning marketing and it may even be illegal if there is no excise duty being paid. The chipper man from way up the country who was nearly gone broke is harvesting the money into round bales. Thanks to the plan. Or so I'm told.

Billy Keane: 'We must do all we can to keep Joe show on road' 

Ireland ran Italy around Soldier Field until the Azurri wore out. This is the way to play Italy who were brave but were as blunt as an old razor blade by the end of the game.

Billy Keane: 'Bottom line for Mrs 39 is she worries the CIA and Trump will throw her good son out of USA' 

The Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex for 39 Years isn't herself. She's giving out a lot these days but there's always a reason.

Billy Keane: Gooch is still mad for football and football is still mad for him 

The big news came just before the game: Colm 'Gooch' Copper, a man in the autumn of his career, would stay in his tracksuit even though he was named in the starting XV.

Billy Keane: A nice Mills and Boon book is safer than those naked girlie chat room channels - unless you've to write it 

I came across a romantic Mills and Boon-type novella the other day and it was written by a friend of mine, under a pen name, at a time when he was badly stuck for money.

Comment: Munster suffer from morning sickness during Sober October 

There are some of you who have forsaken the delights of alcohol in this Sober October. I'd be a Holy Souls man myself.

Billy Keane: European fare turns Munster minotaurs into horses of men 

Munster came home on the night of the game. There was no pub crawl in Exeter. After a savage battle with the locals, Munster were barely able to walk up the steps of the plane.

Reds will need buckets and shovels for trip to Sandy Park 

The coaches at Exeter Chiefs and Coventry Wasps were surely shocked by the derby fervour.

Hot date looms at end of deer rutting and rugby rucking season 

The rugby season of 2018-19 is a stag party. The stated aim of a stag party, aside from wrecking the heads of already harassed and distressed publicans, is to ensure the groom gets a good send-off.

Comment: Topping up my tan has helped solve football's riddle of the sands 

I'm lying on a beach out foreign and as sure as the tides come in and the tides go out, so too do the columns.

Comment: She only played for 107 seconds but one player sums up the amazing spirit of this Dublin team 

This Dublin Ladies team have brought the game to a new level of skill and endurance, with plenty of tough but fair thrown in as well.

Listowel Races, the people's meeting, where the best of times are guaranteed 

It's Saturday - the night before the race. Ellie Mac was the first one to bed. She lay down in her stable by the River Feale and slept to the soothing sounds of water flowing over stone.

Fair city's finest an example to all - and these best of winners are not finished yet 

Dublin is more than a team. Dublin is a fountain of football, a holy well pumping out the water of life.

Comment: Special One's special formula means it's time to blow whistle on pundits 

This is the age of conspiracy and the time of intrigue. We live in the reign of dastardly deeds. Jose Mourinho is the victim of a fiendish and cunning media plot and only I know the how and the why.

Billy Keane: Hannon raises Liam to lift the weight of 45 years off a county's shoulders 

If God ever made anything better than the hurling, he kept it for himself. Limerick take Liam at last after another epic poem of a match. Limerick at long last.

Big-city bouncers bar way to Harte's delight 

Ah, but Monaghan loved and lost but won our hearts. Tyrone were written off and word was that Mickey Harte had lost his magic wand.

Billy Keane: 'Soon enough Fitzy will realise the world of a private citizen is an easier way of life' 

After the game Eamonn Fitzmaurice walked out on to Kerry's field with babe in arms. He did the sorry for your troubles and the sorry for your loss. There were hand-shakes and hugs.

Billy Keane: It's 'Killarney or Nowhere' under the Kingdom's holy mountain 

I wonder how many Kildare fans will make the journey to Killarney on Saturday for the final game of the 'Super 8s'.

The Fat Lady and 'Super 8s' swerve dreaded dead rubber 

Kerry got out of jail yesterday when the Monaghan guards were distracted by the singing of the Fat Lady. Monaghan drove on from the start, and if there was a drumlin in the way, it was flattened.

Billy Keane: Kerry's bubble bursts as Boys in Blue dish out penalty points to Donegal's long-distance travellers 

Kerry's bubble was just that and the bursting was a Hindenburg. We were outplayed, outfought and out-thought by a rampant Galway. Even the referee was fair but Barry Cassidy is a very slow writer. The game was disjointed with too much scribbling and whistling.

Billy Keane: Hard to be neutral about GAA's lust for mammon 

After only the bare fortnight, Newbridge or Nowhere has already become a rallying cry for the dispossessed.

VAR has given us all 20/20 vision 

The Russians, who love their spies, are all for it. Soon enough, say the naysayers, there will be no one left to hate, and no ref left to blame.

Billy Keane: Kids are not alright as GAA puts women and children last 

Old men will think back on the summer of their dreams and reference sunny times. And they will state, as old men often do, "it never rained when we were young".

Billy Keane: Heart-shaped hole solves boot puzzle 

This is the story of four boots, several extraordinary women, Le Drop, and a panic attack.

Billy Keane: I became a Dad instead of a lad and missed the bus 

It was in the summer of 1988 and Herself was slightly pregnant. The baby was due in July and the Euros were scheduled to start in June.

Mayo haven't gone away you know 

I travelled to Limerick to check if Mayo were still contenders and to try to find some signs of hope for our near neighbours, the locals. The day was hot. The Bedouin would be eating 99s in this heat.

Billy Keane: Kerry kids are maturing fast as Banner flies at half-mast 

The Clare supporters came over by boat yesterday morning for the big game against Kerry. The Shannon is all that separates us from the Banner but in another way the big river links us.

Billy Keane: Old rivals Munster and Leinster fight to the end on a day too hot for rugby 

One miserable point is all that was between Munster and finally a final. That's seven semis in a row lost and gone.

Four-star generals shed tears of joy after Battle of Bilbao 

Leinster had to offer up body and soul as a sacrificial offering in what was a savage game of rugby.

Four-star dining on rocky road to Bilbao 

I will stowaway my way through the Basque country of France and Spain with the Leinster fans.

Game-changers deserve to bow out on their own terms 

It was time to go, they decided. It was time to start a new phase in life. The jump jockeys jumped, they weren't pushed. The old rugby warrior could have played on for another year. They were the ones who wrote their own P45.

Racing's class puts guillotine to dream of All-Ireland final 

Racing were better, bigger, faster, classier and craftier. Munster were gutsy, and gallant. We just didn't start well and Racing knew where to strike.

K.O. for Kenny as the real Kenneth Egan enters ring 

How many stories have started out with 'a man walks into a bar'? The man who walked into John B's on Thursday night last is an alcoholic. There's this terrible feeling when someone you know breaks out. Maybe the words should read 'broke in' and the break in is to the prison that is alcoholism.

Billy Keane: Little Anna just wants to kick a ball for Mourneabbey 

Seven-year-old Mourneabbey footballer Anna Browne suffers from cerebral palsy. Anna needs an operation, and it will cost a lot.

Billy Keane: We are family in Limerick's Galilee as Munster stage a miracle 

The resurrection came a day early to Thomond Park. Dead and gone became fresh and fair with only three minutes to go. The Shannon is the Jordan and Lough Derg is The Sea of Galilee. From now on Lent will be 39 days long, and the children will tear in to the chocolate eggs on Easter Saturday morning.

Billy Keane: Players do it for days when Toulon come to Thomond 

Jacob Stockdale's mother read the lines of her palms like a fortune teller. The poor woman spent nearly all of that Grand Slam match in Twickenham with her head buried in both hands.

Billy Keane: Johnny Sexton's dad in long-johns and Bundee's bodhrán led the way on memorable weekend 

The weather was so cold the polar bears in London zoo wore long-johns and the penguins donned a second pair of socks. So did Jonathan Sexton's dad.

Cheltenham prospect Ellie Mac is more than just a horse - she's a young boy's dream 

Ellie Mac is more than just a horse. She is a young boy's dream.

Dublin five-in-a-row fears have Kerry in meltdown 

The snowmen are melting in Kerry this morning. Ours has lost his nose and soon enough the carrot will be in the pot. We dressed him in green and gold, and there's no image that expresses the transient and the ephemeral more than the melting of a snow man.

Billy Keane: Good to see Generation Joe making all the right mistakes 

We are on top of the Six Nations now and every game day is a national holiday. This is the spring of the Six St Patrick's Days and the six no longer long Good Fridays.

Billy Keane: Farewell Mike Lawlee, the local character who loved to help others 

The street-scape changes forever when a small-town street man dies. I see him now rushing from his van - the one with the road visible under the floor, and the sliding door that wouldn't slide.

Comment: Swelled-head syndrome not a problem in Ireland's ranks 

There was a national obsession with the prevention of the swelled head when I was a boy and well beyond that.

Billy Keane: Hope springs for Clifford, but Fitzmaurice in need of a one-year plan 

Nearly 11,000 came to Killarney. Kerry were missing 19 players. Donegal finished up with 13 men; Kerry ended with 14, and won by just one point.

Billy Keane: Munster rain supreme as they home in on big prize 

When we saw the state of the pitch, with pools of water, and a puddle up the middle, some of us thought there would be little chance of scoring four tries on such a bad day.

Billy Keane: Men like Micko can help keep the rest of us going 

Mick O'Dwyer had us dreaming of glory days. Players have their day, managers come and managers go, but Mick O'Dwyer went on forever.

Billy Keane: Sheep-like pundits have no right to savage Pogba 

We are gathered here today, dearly beloved brethren, on this the first Monday after the 12 days of Christmas. The work of the prophet is not confined to Sundays.

Billy Keane: Dublin a sure thing to win again - and I hope you all become an awful man in the year ahead 

The main resolution for 2018 is to become 'an awful man'. You're in the pub. Some lad you know is sitting nearby and you send him over a pint.

Billy Keane - St Stephen, boxing and the madness of King George 

For years I thought Boxing Day was so called because lads went walloping each other late at night on the Feast of St Stephen. Boxing Day is so called because this was the day for giving Christmas boxes. We were given the tradition of the day out on the 26th by the English.

Presents galore at Welford Road but commitment of our new men is greatest gift of all 

It was tough. It was tight. We got a fright. But Munster won in Leicester, the Munster of England.

Billy Keane: Ground work of smaller men makes difference on big stage 

There's an old saying, which I have just made up this very second, but it does sound like a real old saying. It goes, "when the scraps fall to the floor, the hungriest dog gets more".

Comment: Money talks but it doesn't dance the rolling maul 

Munster will be up far past their play-time next Saturday when they take on Leicester in the Champions Cup.

Billy Keane: The 1997 Kerry reunion reaffirms forever friends 

The 1997 Kerry team met up in Paidi's and, within a few minutes, the players slipped back in to each others company as easily as a favourite fireside chair.

Billy Keane: Celtic cousins betray us in our hour of need 

It's been a bad week for sports fans in this country. The Danes got even for Clontarf and the French bought a World Cup from the greedy Celts.

Billy Keane - Toiling through a triple shift in womb cocoon of the couch 

I was that long up on the couch yesterday, Herself was going to send for the fire brigade to bring me down. Like as in if a cat got stuck up a tree.

Billy Keane: Shame on World Rugby for putting money first 

World Rugby placed Ireland third of three. World Rugby didn't get the value of bringing rugby back to the people.

Comment: The GAA should stay out of Ballyragget scandal - the young lads have suffered enough 

The friendly Kilkenny village of Ballyragget has been in the headlines for all the wrong reasons.

Billy Keane: The GAA is probably best served by cute hoorism at this stage 

I have never heard so many expressions of support for the men and women who define our GAA borders.

Billy Keane: Axel impact not just in heaven but here with Munster 

Munster have just escaped from Castres with an unlikely draw. We could easily have been two penalty tries down and two players short before thirsty men who take a long time to pee had time to take up their seats.

Billy Keane: Cure badly needed for epidemic of tactical sameness 

When we were kids everyone had his or her own place at the dinner table. And yes dinner was in the middle of the day.

In Mike Shine's house, the bitches always come first 

Mom slept at the foot of Mike Shine's bed every night, and when she died his toes were cold in the winter. But what Mike missed most of all was the best friendship.

Billy Keane: Search for justice goes on for Mayo's loyal followers 

It was barman's dawn. And I was still in the cot at 11 o'clock, worn out from talking s**te and pulling pints.

Billy Keane: Gavin's troops now immortal but Mayo win nation's hearts 

Dublin won the three in a row on a sunny autumn Sunday in Croke Park and so it is that this team joins the ranks of the football immortals.

From Bregawn to the bog 

I can hear the clattering of bottles being stuck in to their coffins down below in the back yard. In a few hours the doors will open for the biggest week of the year here in Listowel.

Billy Keane: Unsung heroes pen their own ballads as Mayo hold all the aces in game of cards 

When I was a boy, listening away in the bunk -bed bedroom up over our pub, I used to think the song I heard from down below was the Boston Burger, but it was really the 'Boston Burglar'.

Billy Keane: Aidan should have been left free to rampage - it was like asking Van Gogh to paint the porch 

There were mistakes and misses on a rainy day, but what this game did have was valour, four goals and the best Andy Moran dancing since Gene Kelly, of Mayo stock, ran up the walls in Singing in the Rain.

The pitch invader against Kerry, fancy dress to beat Croker ban and spooky story that will have Mayo fans dreaming 

There's no lamentations out of Big Mick Barrett, the man who jumped the Walls of Limerick.

Billy Keane - Hard road from the shadows to the spotlight for women's rugby in Ireland 

The co-ordinates of time, place and people are never forgotten when our team wins big, but there's no come-all-ye yet for the Irish heroines of Marcoussis.

Tips for aspiring writers: put bum in seat and 'just write the feckin' thing' 

They were hardy souls, those old poets. A good few of them used to come in to the pub and they didn't hate the drink.

Kingdom 'badly in need of the run' ahead of semi-final 

This is written live. From a house at the foot of The Conor Pass. If I went to Croke Park for the Kerry-Galway game, I would have had to miss the after party of my daughter's wedding.

Billy Keane: Lazarus rose only once, Mayo do it nearly every week 

The cast-aside footballers of Cork reclaimed the rebel within and Mayo as ever showed they are by some way the most resilient team that has ever played the game.

Billy Keane: Bob Marley Gaels honour the jersey in bishop's field 

St Patrick was counting sheep to get to sleep when Carlow had their last long run in the All-Ireland championship. There was no nodding off in Netwatch Cullen Park on Saturday night. Carlow put it up to Monaghan, who were in mortal danger for over an hour, and if there's glory to be had in defeat, well then this was a glorious defeat.

Don't cry over your wine and your hummus dip when rural pubs vanish 

The new drink-driving bill is on the way in and many of my friends will lose their businesses as a result of the reduction in the drink-drive limits.

'Was what I said to Kieran Read picked up on sound?' - Sexton had some choice words for All Black 

Off came his Lions jersey, for the last time, in the Paradise Lost of Eden Park. Jonathan Sexton was still trying to figure out if a draw was a victory or defeat.

Billy Keane: New Zealand hold no fear for Sexton after surviving the mannequin challenge 

My mam said to me, not long before she died, that one morning when I was an even smaller small boy than I am now, I told her there were pictures on my pillow.

Political spiel is a vastly different language to the one we all know and love 

The DUP is back up on the high horse looking down like King Billy at the Boyne.

The Lions have still got some hope of success in the mighty jungle 

The Lions haven't even a song or an anthem of their very own.

'Putin has every hope the 12-week ban will be overturned because his name wasn't spelled in Irish. More instability' 

The Continuity KGB were caught rotten when they went interfering in the US presidential election, and Moscow is trying to sneakily nick bits of the countries next door like a greedy turfcutter moving barbed wire fences in the bog.

Billy Keane: Bonny Banner boys play with real pride and skill but Kerry have all the resources on the bench to book their place in decider 

The journey over the big river was well worth the crossing and the togging out in winter onesies. Clare gave Kerry plenty of it.

Travel stiffness keeps Lions awake when they should have been sleeping 

I'm not sure if I would like to go on the summer holidays to a place where it rains and the cold gets in to your bones. Thousands upon thousands have gone off to New Zealand to cheer on the Lions.