Journalists

Billy Keane: 'Gavin's greats play glory game but Kingdom on rise' 

Today the skies are blue and the people of Dublin sing I love you.

Billy Keane: 'I'm not too fluent in Japanese, but I manage perfect Dublinese so long as there's English subtitles' 

Today I learnt how to ask for four cold beers. I'm pretty sure they don't serve up warm beer in Japan.

Billy Keane: 'Timing isn't perfect but the clock is ticking for Boris, Kerry and Dubs' 

The countdown clock at the bottom of the Six o'clock News ticks inexorably towards no one knows what every time a Brexit story is reported upon.

Billy Keane: 'If we want a snappy result for national broadband, we could do worse than pray to a fake saint' 

ST EXPEDITE is named by some as the patron saint of speeding things up. I wonder could we pray to him to expedite the national broadband plan?

Billy Keane: 'Football returns to good health with pulsating contest' 

This is no field for ordinary men.

Billy Keane: 'How turning Japanese for a few days brings Tokyo's calm to even the hustle and bustle of Listowel' 

Imagine you are standing at the side of the street ready to cross the road.

Billy Keane: 'All is not lost but massive levels of do-or-die required - and Japan showed us how' 

When the final whistle went Japan embraced the team that cut loose. Ireland were well beaten. But we are still here with a chance.

Billy Keane: 'Meeting and speaking in the Land of the Rising Sun, where mosquitoes are big as blackbirds' 

I am writing this on the bullet train between Hiroshima and Kobe. The Shinkansen can cover the rail distance between Dublin and Cork in about an hour.

Billy Keane: 'Locals want to run away with green circus as Ireland's Call gets its loudest rendition' 

Ireland are sure to go through to the quarter-finals with only one game played.

Billy Keane: 'Welcome to Japan - flush with the finest toilets and a quiet respect in the land of whispers' 

Today's column is coming from Tokyo and the Rugby World Cup. In the last 24 hours we have made our way from Helsinki over the loneliness of Siberia, Mongolia, China and close enough to North Korea. The roadworks on the N11 were a challenge as was the M50. But we are here now in downtown Tokyo, with all the news.

Billy Keane: 'Kerry eyes are on Sam but we and our Dub friends know rivals are all the same under the jersey' 

Kerry went close, but now Dublin are a dip in the Styx away from invincibility. Dublin could become the first team ever to win five in a row.

Billy Keane: 'Kerry always have a chance in Croker where hope springs from the eternal' 

We speak in whispers. Always the same question. "Have we a chance?"

Billy Keane: 'Mrs 39 looks for divine inspiration for an All-Ireland ticket - then gets an offer that's beyond the Pale' 

The Woman who hasn't had Sex for 39 Years is doing the nine Fridays. I am fairly certain most of you do not know very much at all about the doing of the nine Fridays.

Billy Keane: 'Liam the man was the key to winning Liam the trophy' 

Tipperary's 2019 All-Ireland triumph is a tale of two cards.

Billy Keane: 'Credit cards are all very well but there was always a lovely warmth to cash from The Bank of Bra' 

The abandoned handbag was sitting up on a table in the busy Dublin bar. There was a purse sticking out of the top layer of many.

Billy Keane: 'Provincial champions bring pure football to Super 8s stage but Mayo are still part of the drama' 

It was a tale of two games. We will start with the second game first for no other reason than Kerry and Donegal served up a feast of free-range football.

Billy Keane: 'There's nothing like a bout of man flu to make a fella go looking for icebergs in the heat of July' 

There was a time in summers gone by when I was thinking winter.

Billy Keane: 'Hosts on fire as Mayo wilt but refuse to melt in Killarney heat' 

It seems that in the extremes of the Antarctic pee freezes into an ice pop before it hits the snow below. There was no cold in Killarney yesterday but someone said there was a man seen with an umbrella and a coat under his oxter.

Billy Keane: 'Fearsome Ring cycle is music to charities' ears - with a few bum notes along the way' 

Eighty-something-year-old Seanie Cool Orange brought Kerry Rose Sally Anne Leahy for a spin in an open-top red convertible.

Billy Keane: 'Netflix have bought the rights to Mayo the Movie. In this week's episode....' 

Netflix have bought the rights to Mayo the Movie.

Billy Keane: 'This is my first ever fashion column - but men, worry not, there's a long section about bras' 

'Were you out foreign?" I ask. "No," says she. "I was sprayed brown at home by the beautician."

Billy Keane: 'Never ever leave a Mayo game before the long whistle blows' 

It wouldn't be Mayo if there wasn't a drama. With Mayo, ebb and flow ride the same wave. Just before the final last-ditch, last-kick action, an excitement of small boys invaded Elverys MacHale Park. The Mayo kids thought it was all over; so did their team. Mayo lost concentration and Armagh turned them over more often than pancakes in a creperie.

Billy Keane: 'Worry will get squatters' rights in your head unless you embrace every moment and live for now' 

Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.

Billy Keane: 'Rebels regain pride but Saturday night fever keeps kids at home' 

The Cork footballers will feel loved again and the Rebel County, famous for ambushing, almost caught Kerry on the hop. No one really gave Cork a chance of winning this Munster final. Not even Cork.

Billy Keane: 'Lookit, they are out to get me - from folk spitting gum into toilets to the people who watch me park' 

Here is the list of 20 small things done by people especially to annoy me. It has to be a plot. Just has to be.

Billy Keane: 'Noel keeps the green and gold flag flying in word and in deed' 

Noel O'Connell is a talker but his voice is too weak for the phone. He speaks in writing now. This is a talking column.

Billy Keane: 'Between Rockall and a hard place: the warmonger's answer to the Scottish fishmongers' 

The Basques, the Celts, the Vikings, the Normans, the Spanish, the Scots, the French and the English have all invaded us.

Billy Keane: 'GAA fight for the rainbow jersey reflects changed times in Ireland' 

So what does the homophobic Australian rugby player Israel Folau have to do with the GAA, the IRFU and the FAI?

Billy Keane: 'How The Badly Wronged Man's never-ending tale of woe made me flee with barman's burnout' 

The man at the bar told me his life story. He is The Badly Wronged Man.

Billy Keane: 'Kerry no threat to Dubs' strive for five after this second-half showing' 

Kerry beat Clare on a wet night in Ennis.

Billy Keane: 'Record the memories of your elders - they will never die if their stories are kept alive' 

This old man came into our pub in the company of a matchmaker. The old man was a well-off farmer. The matchmaker was a bad man. My parents were wary.

Billy Keane: 'Leinster Championes sing in rain as rugby says sayonara, for now' 

When the Leinster evaluators look back on the season of 2018/19, the marks will be high.

Billy Keane: 'Both adults and children alike love Gabriel's poems - they add the extra to the ordinary' 

The old travelling man came in to our pub on a slow day and my dad was writing away at the counter.

Billy Keane: 'Joe Schmidt won't need to bluff with his strong hand of 10s' 

Munster were well beaten on Saturday. Game over, ball burst for this year.

Billy Keane: 'Why would Mrs 39 want her late husband back after all these years? Perhaps it's a spiritual connection' 

The Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex For 39 Years told me her late husband has confirmed, through a series of knocks, he is still alive.

Billy Keane: 'Walk tall Leinster. We admire you even more now. This game wasn't lost for want of courage' 

Leinster gave their all. We can ask no more. In the end Saracens won by 10 and Leinster had to defend like the heroes they are to keep it at that.

Billy Keane: 'Fast internet is the new canal, new railway, new road - deliver it and we'll see rural Ireland thrive' 

I am all for the Government's plan to bring broadband to all of the people, all of the time.

Billy Keane: 'Leinster fans are better off leaving Vunipola alone - don't feed him' 

We will generously share our insider tips with Leinster. If Leinster win the European Champions Cup on Saturday next, they will become the first team to win five stars

Billy Keane: 'We're all dancing in the dark - but with a little effort can shed some light on each other's paths' 

The man I knew well was in a bad state but he still managed to crack a joke. "I would jump off a cliff," he said, "but I'm afraid of heights."

Billy Keane: 'Fitting finale but end of Golden Years is a sad day for racing' 

The news came through that Ruby had retired with immediate effect.

Billy Keane: 'The Tipperary trial that could have been named 'The Field 2'' 

Patrick Quirke faces life in prison. Bobby Ryan was murdered. Lives are in ruins, there are no secrets - and all over a few fields. There have been many day-trippers who travelled to Dublin to attend the most talked-about show in town. The Tipperary murder trial could have been named 'The Field 2'.

Billy Keane: 'Ruthless, fearless, with nerve and intuition - Ruby Walsh leaves racing with every box ticked' 

The news came through that Ruby retired with immediate effect.

Billy Keane: 'The winds of change are blowing, and something in the air tells me I'm onto a winner with this device' 

The Sniff Sniff smells people. Sniff Sniff is the English translation for the new Japanese invention known as Kunkun.

Billy Keane: 'Rugby must take stand and ban unrepentant Vunipola from final' 

Billy Vunipola is a homophobe. Vunipola is one of the best rugby players in the world. He is an England international who is key to his adopted country's World Cup hopes. Vunipola was awarded man of the match when his club Saracens defeated Munster in Coventry on Saturday in the semi- final of the Heineken Champions Cup.

Billy Keane: 'God be with the days when men drank deep and silent of that five-past-midnight post-Lent pint' 

I didn't notice any great burst of repairing or decorating in the pubs yesterday, which happened to fall on a Good Friday.

Billy Keane: 'Huge support and Vunipola storm give Munster hope' 

I would like to share just a few memories from the last time Munster played in Coventry. There are also a few memories I can't remember. Munster won after a dour struggle against Saracens, the team we play on Saturday in yet another European semi-final. That was 11 years ago, the last time Munster won a semi-final.

Billy Keane: 'If you're nervous about speaking in public like I was, don't lollygag - join up with this talkative crew' 

The man asked me to talk about buttons and as you might well expect I focused almost exclusively on the belly button, the most important button of all.

Billy Keane: ''Ring' cycle a day out like no other and the jewel in Kingdom's crown' 

Jimmy Duffy from Blennerville pedalled the famed Ring of Kerry charity cycle on an old-fashioned, throw- your-leg-over-the-bar bicycle.

Billy Keane: 'Some say good riddance to bad rubbish - but for me filling up a skip retold the story of our lives' 

'A skip is therapeutic," said the man collecting the big skip from outside the back of our pub. The skip was full of piled-high rubbish which was in a way a bit like a layered dig on an ancient archaeological site.

Billy Keane: 'Signs of a new era as people's champions slay Croker demons' 

Mayo of the so many sorrows found joy unconfined on a winning final Sunday. The bravest team of them all beat Kerry to win silver at last in Croke Park.

Billy Keane: 'Brave Reds dig deep into the very core of their Munsterness' 

The Irish in Britain came to Edinburgh in their thousands. Inside the red jersey beats the heart of home. Munster, as ever, turned an away game in to a home fixture.

Billy Keane: 'Infuriating, deafening clamour of the day leaves me pining for when I was the boy Buddha of John B's' 

They're all at me and I'm at myself too.

Billy Keane: 'This exciting Kerry circus will be on the go for years to come' 

Mickey and Barney's circus pitched their big top just down the road from Dr Hyde Park.

Billy Keane: 'We're keeping Mrs 39 on the straight and narrow - but what if her 'dead' husband returns?' 

It's been a while now since we brought you an update on the activities of The Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex for 39 Years.

Billy Keane: 'Horan's men take lead from St Patrick to remind us they can still prosper' 

St Patrick spent a good bit of time in Mayo as a shepherd slave or doing penance on wet mountains. Our patron saint inspired Mayo people for generations and one of his many accomplishments was his perseverance.

Billy Keane: 'Yes, he's our patron saint...but how much do you really know about St Patrick's dodgy past?' 

I hope the environmentalists don't turn against St Patrick because he kicked the snakes out of Ireland.

Billy Keane: 'French are deep fried in land of the full-fat chips' 

Ireland gave France the kind of beating they used to give us when I was a boy. French rugby was a cut above back then.

Billy Keane: 'People in North have learned from past - but the DUP is hell-bent on making same mistakes repeatedly' 

Bob Dylan's 'Blowin' in the Wind' asks a series of questions and the gist of it all is when will we ever learn?

Billy Keane: 'GAA Ireland now ends at Clonliffe Road - It's time to send Dublin to Cork' 

It's the same as snakes wearing St Patrick's Day badges, which is stolen or adapted by yours truly from the one about turkeys voting for Christmas.

Billy Keane: 'The shamrock is going up in smoke as our national symbol, replaced by an evil usurper - we need to act now' 

The unprecedented success of high yield, financially viable horticultural produce has hit the headlines in recent times.

Billy Keane: 'Ireland get the job done but it would be a lie to say they conquered Rome' 

Rome has seen its share of turmoil over the centuries and at half-time yesterday it looked as if Ireland would flood the Tiber with tears of grief.

Billy Keane: 'You'd want to be a right lúbán not to enjoy the English language as it's spoken in all corners of our island' 

We speak a number of different versions of the English language in this country. Our linguistic log started in Cork city. We travelled from there to west Limerick and ended in John B's, when Derry came to Kerry.

Billy Keane: 'After running for their lives, asylum seekers now run for their dignity' 

Last week in Cork, I met with six runners who were forced to run away from their beloved, but troubled, homelands.

Billy Keane: 'Hospice decision came out of left field - and put fate of butterflies ahead of the people most in need' 

We need to tell you today of how it was An Bord Pleanála refused planning permission for a hospice in Galway, because, among other things, it was worried about the fate of a field.

Billy Keane: 'Best of enemies uncork rescue remedy for football' 

In a year when silage was cut in January, Kerry and Dublin went at each other as if this was autumn and All-Ireland final day.

Billy Keane: 'Neighbour, mentor, friend: why Johnny Cahill personified all that is good about life in small places' 

Sometimes when travellers describe small places, they say "blink and you'll miss it". They were never in Dunnamaggin and never met Johnny Cahill.

Billy Keane: 'Ten minutes before kick off and the Aviva was almost empty - the Irish players deserve better than that' 

There's a line from the Kris Kristofferson song Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down that springs to mind today: "No way to hold my head that didn't hurt."

Billy Keane: 'Forget Brexit and what might divide us - there are no borders in an Irish rugby dressing room' 

The English have landed. Never has an invading force from the other side of the Irish Sea been more welcome.

Billy Keane: 'No place for tut-tutting as Sexton and Co start their title defence' 

The best fun weekend of the lot is nearly here and the 'Tut-Tuts' are not happy, as you might expect. The partying begins today, which is traditionally the first day of spring, ahead of tomorrow's Ireland v England Six Nations clash.

Billy Keane: 'All small towns have a local bore but we're unlucky to have two... and they'd drive you Demented' 

The weather, as expected, has turned wintry. Then again, this is winter.

Billy Keane: 'Holland's Heist enters folklore as 'baste' Billy saves season' 

Exeter Chiefs, leaders of the English Premiership, are famed for their clinical execution in the red zone. Late on, the Chiefs were awarded a lineout close to the Munster line.

Billy Keane: 'Winter's return puts spring in my step after bewildering new year of butterflies and daffodils' 

Seventy-nine-year-old Chris Sexton from Miltown Malbay told Andrew Hamilton of 'The Clare People' he filled buckets of wild field mushrooms over the last few weeks.

Billy Keane: 'Only a strong dose of Corkness will sort Rebel football mess' 

Cork County Board chairperson Tracey Kennedy defined Corkness as "that air of confidence just on the right side of arrogance - an unparalleled pride and our insatiable desire for Cork to be the best at absolutely everything."

Billy Keane: 'Strange obsession with lad waving a polo stick on front of cheap US T-shirts cost me my best source' 

My best source has been cruelly taken from me by the scaremongering of transatlantic shoppers. It's not like as if there isn't anything much going on. The one good thing about Trump is that you'd never be stuck for a column.

Billy Keane: 'One pony and 4,000 beach balls: a tale that can save Jim Gavin's Dubs' 

It's that time of the year again, when men and women without any sense make predictions with the certainty of those who are never wrong. I'm lucky in that I am seldom wrong. There's a touch of the Pope about me, with that uncanny ability to be always right.

Billy Keane: 'Every man in the country should be made to dress up as a woman for five nights - if only to give it up' 

This is what was said to me by the woman in the underwear department of the big store when I asked to buy a bra and knickers, for myself.

Billy Keane: 'Blue mist descends but it won't impact on Irish unity' 

There was no hiding on the rugby field of Thomond and there's no place to hide behind the pub counter either.

Billy Keane: 'Marzipan Man hasn't to look far for his comforts with seasonal songs now added to banned list' 

The secret marzipan thief is the man who ate the icing on the cake, off the cake.

Billy Keane: 'We can take cheer this Christmas from our great sporting survivors' 

Gratitude is the big word now. So if Santa forgets to bring you the new Mercedes tonight, well then cheer up and give thanks for the gift that keeps on giving.

Billy Keane: 'How Margaret the giant turkey lived to see another Christmas but left trail of destruction behind her' 

Margaret had a bounty on her head. She was dead meat they said. Her days were numbered anyway and the escape from captivity was considered to be no more than a stay of execution.

Billy Keane: 'We're all Munster's children once the red jersey goes on' 

It was the way Benjamin Urdapilleta looked over at the ref that gave away his guilt.

Billy Keane: 'A Christmas feed that would take care of two for €2.97? The Tight Woman has a word for it - sort of' 

The word the woman I met in the street used was loco-commotion. It's a new word even though it sounds like an old word for moving, if you say it fast.

Billy Keane: 'This united bunch of Munster men will take some stopping' 

Is it a compliment when you criticise a team that have won by 25 points?

Billy Keane: 'When I heard that Mrs 39 was cooling an oul lad's tae, I thought my '50 Shades' moment had gone' 

The Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex For 39 Years is worried she will lose her widow's pension. Even though Mrs 39 (reluctantly) attended her husband's funeral 27 years ago, she could still be married.

Billy Keane: 'Kieran Donaghy casts aside his Demons in cup derby' 

The full name of the game was the Hula Hoops Pat Duffy National Cup Q/F Garvey's Tralee Warriors v UCC Demons.

Billy Keane: 'Sexton's smelly old boots drop another triumphant goal for little Anna - and a couple of rascals' 

Jonathan Sexton's famous boots were sold off at €15,500 for the two. There was another 10 grand paid up front by way of bank draft by Betty Boots.

Billy Keane: 'I'll never forget my dear friend Weeshie's words of wisdom and how he lifted our spirits' 

Weeshie Fogarty - broadcaster, writer, nurse, the most loving of husbands and the dearest of dads - died last week, but he did not pass away and he never will.

Billy Keane: 'Parents, if your son or daughter is at college, there's more than a 50pc chance they're on drugs' 

There is more money around and the recovery has reached rural Ireland. The improvements in terms of income are here at last, but in smaller increments than in the cities.

Billy Keane: 'Mighty men in green make history from top of bucket list' 

I know there are those of you who write down things to do before you die.

Billy Keane: 'Feel-good tale of Kenyan and little girl who has been through so much' 

Chance and Circumstance met on the banks of a fast river in a mad hurry for the sea. And here is the story of that meeting.

Billy Keane: 'Chipper van man with his aromatic exhaust is no worse than TV food shows after 9pm' 

This plan is cunning marketing and it may even be illegal if there is no excise duty being paid. The chipper man from way up the country who was nearly gone broke is harvesting the money into round bales. Thanks to the plan. Or so I'm told.

Billy Keane: 'We must do all we can to keep Joe show on road' 

Ireland ran Italy around Soldier Field until the Azurri wore out. This is the way to play Italy who were brave but were as blunt as an old razor blade by the end of the game.

Billy Keane: 'Bottom line for Mrs 39 is she worries the CIA and Trump will throw her good son out of USA' 

The Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex for 39 Years isn't herself. She's giving out a lot these days but there's always a reason.

Billy Keane: Gooch is still mad for football and football is still mad for him 

The big news came just before the game: Colm 'Gooch' Copper, a man in the autumn of his career, would stay in his tracksuit even though he was named in the starting XV.

Billy Keane: A nice Mills and Boon book is safer than those naked girlie chat room channels - unless you've to write it 

I came across a romantic Mills and Boon-type novella the other day and it was written by a friend of mine, under a pen name, at a time when he was badly stuck for money.

Comment: Munster suffer from morning sickness during Sober October 

There are some of you who have forsaken the delights of alcohol in this Sober October. I'd be a Holy Souls man myself.

Billy Keane: European fare turns Munster minotaurs into horses of men 

Munster came home on the night of the game. There was no pub crawl in Exeter. After a savage battle with the locals, Munster were barely able to walk up the steps of the plane.

Reds will need buckets and shovels for trip to Sandy Park 

The coaches at Exeter Chiefs and Coventry Wasps were surely shocked by the derby fervour.

Hot date looms at end of deer rutting and rugby rucking season 

The rugby season of 2018-19 is a stag party. The stated aim of a stag party, aside from wrecking the heads of already harassed and distressed publicans, is to ensure the groom gets a good send-off.

Comment: Topping up my tan has helped solve football's riddle of the sands 

I'm lying on a beach out foreign and as sure as the tides come in and the tides go out, so too do the columns.

Comment: She only played for 107 seconds but one player sums up the amazing spirit of this Dublin team 

This Dublin Ladies team have brought the game to a new level of skill and endurance, with plenty of tough but fair thrown in as well.

Listowel Races, the people's meeting, where the best of times are guaranteed 

It's Saturday - the night before the race. Ellie Mac was the first one to bed. She lay down in her stable by the River Feale and slept to the soothing sounds of water flowing over stone.

Fair city's finest an example to all - and these best of winners are not finished yet 

Dublin is more than a team. Dublin is a fountain of football, a holy well pumping out the water of life.

Comment: Special One's special formula means it's time to blow whistle on pundits 

This is the age of conspiracy and the time of intrigue. We live in the reign of dastardly deeds. Jose Mourinho is the victim of a fiendish and cunning media plot and only I know the how and the why.

Billy Keane: Hannon raises Liam to lift the weight of 45 years off a county's shoulders 

If God ever made anything better than the hurling, he kept it for himself. Limerick take Liam at last after another epic poem of a match. Limerick at long last.