Billy Keane

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Billy Keane Opinion 'John B Keane discovery - how a time capsule gifted me my father’s long-lost poetry and stories'

Matt and Nellie Kennelly sold the last of the school uniforms, and The Cloth Hall closed after 123 years.

'The tactic at Budget time most often used by the other sectors, who score nearly every year, is the poor mouth. Never say you have enough. A drop in the ocean and all that.' (stock photo)

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Billy Keane Opinion A Budget in a black year - but it's not all gloom

So this is the first ever Budget in a black year. 2020 will be parsed in laments alongside Black '47 and 1922, the first year of the Civil War. I think it's fair to say sure things, handy money and cushy numbers are in short supply in 2020.

'Leo and Dr Holohan are well able to fight their corner.' Photo: Gerry Mooney

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Billy Keane Opinion Nphet wasn't on the ballot paper - so Varadkar was right when he shot down its attempt at a 'coup'

Leo the Lionheart and Micheál the Archangel put down the Nphet letter coup.

'I hardly need to put on the light with the shine in the window of that big old harvest moon. The big mauve cat we call Marmalade sits up on the windowsill. Marmalade may not be his real name. He doesn’t bother me and I don’t bother him.' (stock image)

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Billy Keane Opinion Darkest hour is just before dawn - but not even Marmalade the cat can block out the moonlight

There seems to be a general acceptance of early to bed. Eleven at night used to be the middle of the day. Some of us hadn't been to bed before 12 since our early teens.

'I'm enjoying the coffee/Bourbon mash.' (stock photo)

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Billy Keane Opinion Coffee, Bourbon creams and watching clouds - the minimalist recipe for living a contented life

The man I met lives in a world of his own and he doesn't own much more.

Billy Keane of John B Keans Bar Listowel Co Kerry.

Photo By Domnick Walsh © Eye Focus LTD

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Billy Keane Opinion 'Hallelujah' I sang when the pub door finally opened - six months and a week later, I hereby declare John B's open

Ah, but it’s so good to open. Six months and one week without a customer.

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Billy Keane Opinion No expense spared - until John Hume ate five lunches and seven dinners in one day

This is a story about John Hume who ate for the sake of the freedom of speech, and he never heard a word about it.

'Goats would ate yourself if you stood around long enough.' (stock photo)

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Billy Keane Opinion They say it's easier to baptise a child than to own a goat - but frisky 'Keane' has other concerns

Keane is getting frisky. It's that time of year. My namesake just had to go home to the does of Hungry Hill.

"If there is a change in the situation between now and then it won't just effect the pubs, it will affect all businesses." Stock photo: Kirsty O'Connor/PA

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Billy Keane Opinion The dose of the pub skitters, the toora looras and the whack for my daddyos have me driven gaga

I was in a didder and a bit diddery.

'Is the coronavirus smarter than the thermos flask? And if so, how do it know?' (stock photo)

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Billy Keane Opinion Between the ribs and shindigs, my question is: which is smarter, coronavirus or a thermos flask?

There's a story I have told maybe 50 times, and out of the 50 times I got maybe two laughs, and one of those was from myself.

Katie Taylor lands with a right hook during Saturday’s undisputed lightweight title fight against Delfine Persoon in Essex. Photo: Sportsfile

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Billy Keane Opinion Our Katie keeps it classy as she takes on world in an English country garden

The darling girl of Ireland will still be sore and worn this morning after 10 punishing rounds with Inspector Delfine Persoon of the Belgian police.

"Anyone who has had a 'fun buddy' will know it’s usually best to adopt a don’t ask don’t tell policy." (stock photo)

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Billy Keane Opinion Mrs 39 can't have sex now - the Government's banned it and I can't afford to lose this column

This will be the end of foreplay in our time," said the woman who hasn't had sex for 39 years, ominously.

'I am in favour of paying grants to our farmers, who work day and night with little if any financial security' (stock photo)

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Billy Keane Opinion My message to The No Longer Irate Man - you only live once, you should make the most of it

I met a man on the strand who wanted to get something off his chest.

'The truth is Nphet don't really understand the workings of the GAA club.' Stock photo

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Billy Keane Opinion The GAA has given in to Nphet - but the biggest danger at our local playing field is the midges

There's a small problem up at Nphet.

No tinkle of the shilling in the till: Billy Keane behind the bar at John B’s pub in Listowel, Co Kerry, which must remain shut for now – despite having been ‘Covid-proofed’. Pic: Mark Condren

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Billy Keane Opinion A village without a pub is a dead village - so who will replace us when we're gone?

So there we were - all 3,000 of us, and our 20,000 co-workers - waiting in vain for the good news that never came.

'Maybe it was the orangutans who were descended from us' (stock image)

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Billy Keane Opinion Orangutans will go bananas if provoked as they know revenge is best served hot and steaming

The question was an either or. Which, or who, is the more intelligent? Is it the greyhounds or the monkeys?

National Public Health Emergency Team (NPHET) for COVID-19 have advised the wearing of masks on all public transport and in shops. Photo: Garrett White/Collins Photo agency

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Billy Keane Opinion Dr Ali's dying for Ireland is every bit as brave and patriotic as those who died in the GPO in 1916

I have a friend who went off the rails when he was in his twenties. He was fond of the drink. It was the custom that time for men who needed money for booze to do drug trials for a sum of money and two pint bottles of Guinness.

'It's the chicken nuggets that are keeping Covid at bay' (stock image)

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Billy Keane Opinion Here's some food for thought - chicken nuggets being touted as a defence against the Covid

The antidote has been found and Michael Healy-Rae is claiming the Nobel Prize for medicine. But the chicken nugget is the new penicillin.

'You cannot run a pub if the customers do not back you.' Stock photo: Yui Mok/PA

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Billy Keane Opinion The survival of our pubs depends on the best of behaviour - by publicans and customers alike

My mother was envious of those of you who live in what she called "private houses".

'I’m back working in the pub, getting the place ready for opening day on July 20, that’s if the small few restaurateur publicans and their customers who are breaking the rules behave themselves' (stock image)

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Billy Keane Opinion I'm hopeless at the DIY, can't even change a plug - so don't expect me to fix broken biscuits

The Almighty created us on his day off. He was working from home, according to the Old Testament.

Brendan Walsh and Freddie McBride at the Man O’ War bar and restaurant in Balbriggan, Co Dublin PHOTO: MARK CONDREN

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Billy Keane Opinion It was never about the drink - but the drink never tastes as good at home as in the pub

The first caller to The Palace Bar in Fleet Street was looking for before hours.

'I just took some time out there just now to check the hairdressers and it seems they are all booked out for next week. I’ll be like a yak in a few more days, but ladies first I always say.'

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Billy Keane Opinion Don't tell the grown-ups but vain lads are now breaking windows just to be jailed and get a haircut

I'm well over the six foot now. Tall enough to be a garda I am. Big enough to get picked by Finn McCool is me. Paul O'Connell will ask me can I move seats so he can see the movie.

'I am worn out from answering the same question, and it is this: will you open up the pub on the June 29?' (Kirsty O’Connor/PA)

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Billy Keane Opinion There's simply no avoiding a moaner on a mission with a hive of bees under their bonnet

Murty the Moaner has a hive of bees under his bonnet.

The country has seen a rise in domestic violence during the Covid-19 lockdown. (stock photo)

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Billy Keane Opinion Dr Leo and Dr Tony lead from the front but it seems common sense is not all that common

Leo, we never knew you. But we do now.

The parrots are all voting for Trump. Throw in the serial racists who welcomed the murder of George Floyd and you can clearly see Covid is not the only pandemic that hit our world. Photo: Reuters/Tom Brenner

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Billy Keane Opinion There's a proven vaccine for a virus that afflicts the parrots among us - read the newspaper

I don't think I could stick a parrot, especially if he or she was an African grey. We don't get on. Can you imagine how tough it would be to be living with someone who keeps on saying the same things over and over again?

'It's like being in a foreign city. No one makes eye contact.' Stock Image

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Billy Keane Opinion A silent movie, with its dimly lit cast of mavericks - this is Dublin by night in the new old times

The only ones out on the night street were two policewomen riding giant horses, cavalries of mounted takeaway porters, the homeless three and a quare hawk.

'Do not despair. Pubs will breathe freedom again. Its a question of how and when.' (stock image)

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Billy Keane Opinion My 'Fair City' lockdown lock-in at McCoys of Carrigstown gave a taste of problems pubs will face

By now I am sure some of you at least have seen last Monday night's 'Claire Byrne Live' on RTÉ One.

'Monday next will test out the patriotism of the nation.'

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Billy Keane Opinion Love is in the air from Monday - just as long as the pheromones can travel at least two metres

Do any of ye happen to know what the pheromones are? I only learned what they were this week, when I read about a dating site based in Mullingar.

'There’s bound to be a world shortage of bananas at this rate of baking. Monkeys are falling off the trees with hunger, and rooms in the house are narrowing every day with all the coats of paint.' Stock photo

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Billy Keane Opinion After an invitation from an Achill Island sheep farmer, it seems Mrs 39 has got her appetite back

Mrs 39 is still off the sex. The woman who hasn't had sex for 39 years, cocooned for months.

Keeping the spirits up: Billy Keane and his fellow publicans face an uncertain future due to the restrictions imposed as a result of the Covid-19 crisis. Photo: Mark Condren

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Billy Keane Opinion Closing time will finally come to an end with a glass half full in last-chance saloon

It's the stories you miss most of all. And the brains. Pagans are praying and it's the longest some of us have been off the drink since our confirmation. Generally speaking I only repeat myself when I burp but here's one I've been dining out on for years..