Journalists

Billy Keane: 'Chipper van man with his aromatic exhaust is no worse than TV food shows after 9pm' 

This plan is cunning marketing and it may even be illegal if there is no excise duty being paid. The chipper man from way up the country who was nearly gone broke is harvesting the money into round bales. Thanks to the plan. Or so I'm told.

Billy Keane: 'We must do all we can to keep Joe show on road' 

Ireland ran Italy around Soldier Field until the Azurri wore out. This is the way to play Italy who were brave but were as blunt as an old razor blade by the end of the game.

Billy Keane: 'Bottom line for Mrs 39 is she worries the CIA and Trump will throw her good son out of USA' 

The Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex for 39 Years isn't herself. She's giving out a lot these days but there's always a reason.

Billy Keane: Gooch is still mad for football and football is still mad for him 

The big news came just before the game: Colm 'Gooch' Copper, a man in the autumn of his career, would stay in his tracksuit even though he was named in the starting XV.

Billy Keane: A nice Mills and Boon book is safer than those naked girlie chat room channels - unless you've to write it 

I came across a romantic Mills and Boon-type novella the other day and it was written by a friend of mine, under a pen name, at a time when he was badly stuck for money.

Billy Keane: 'Sexton's smelly old boots drop another triumphant goal for little Anna - and a couple of rascals' 

Jonathan Sexton's famous boots were sold off at €15,500 for the two. There was another 10 grand paid up front by way of bank draft by Betty Boots.

Billy Keane: 'I'll never forget my dear friend Weeshie's words of wisdom and how he lifted our spirits' 

Weeshie Fogarty - broadcaster, writer, nurse, the most loving of husbands and the dearest of dads - died last week, but he did not pass away and he never will.

Billy Keane: 'Parents, if your son or daughter is at college, there's more than a 50pc chance they're on drugs' 

There is more money around and the recovery has reached rural Ireland. The improvements in terms of income are here at last, but in smaller increments than in the cities.

Billy Keane: 'Mighty men in green make history from top of bucket list' 

I know there are those of you who write down things to do before you die.

Billy Keane: 'Feel-good tale of Kenyan and little girl who has been through so much' 

Chance and Circumstance met on the banks of a fast river in a mad hurry for the sea. And here is the story of that meeting.

Comment: Munster suffer from morning sickness during Sober October 

There are some of you who have forsaken the delights of alcohol in this Sober October. I'd be a Holy Souls man myself.

Billy Keane: European fare turns Munster minotaurs into horses of men 

Munster came home on the night of the game. There was no pub crawl in Exeter. After a savage battle with the locals, Munster were barely able to walk up the steps of the plane.

Reds will need buckets and shovels for trip to Sandy Park 

The coaches at Exeter Chiefs and Coventry Wasps were surely shocked by the derby fervour.

Hot date looms at end of deer rutting and rugby rucking season 

The rugby season of 2018-19 is a stag party. The stated aim of a stag party, aside from wrecking the heads of already harassed and distressed publicans, is to ensure the groom gets a good send-off.

Comment: Topping up my tan has helped solve football's riddle of the sands 

I'm lying on a beach out foreign and as sure as the tides come in and the tides go out, so too do the columns.

Big-city bouncers bar way to Harte's delight 

Ah, but Monaghan loved and lost but won our hearts. Tyrone were written off and word was that Mickey Harte had lost his magic wand.

Billy Keane: 'Soon enough Fitzy will realise the world of a private citizen is an easier way of life' 

After the game Eamonn Fitzmaurice walked out on to Kerry's field with babe in arms. He did the sorry for your troubles and the sorry for your loss. There were hand-shakes and hugs.

Billy Keane: It's 'Killarney or Nowhere' under the Kingdom's holy mountain 

I wonder how many Kildare fans will make the journey to Killarney on Saturday for the final game of the 'Super 8s'.

The Fat Lady and 'Super 8s' swerve dreaded dead rubber 

Kerry got out of jail yesterday when the Monaghan guards were distracted by the singing of the Fat Lady. Monaghan drove on from the start, and if there was a drumlin in the way, it was flattened.

Billy Keane: Kerry's bubble bursts as Boys in Blue dish out penalty points to Donegal's long-distance travellers 

Kerry's bubble was just that and the bursting was a Hindenburg. We were outplayed, outfought and out-thought by a rampant Galway. Even the referee was fair but Barry Cassidy is a very slow writer. The game was disjointed with too much scribbling and whistling.

Billy Keane: Hard to be neutral about GAA's lust for mammon 

After only the bare fortnight, Newbridge or Nowhere has already become a rallying cry for the dispossessed.

VAR has given us all 20/20 vision 

The Russians, who love their spies, are all for it. Soon enough, say the naysayers, there will be no one left to hate, and no ref left to blame.

Billy Keane: Kids are not alright as GAA puts women and children last 

Old men will think back on the summer of their dreams and reference sunny times. And they will state, as old men often do, "it never rained when we were young".

Billy Keane: Heart-shaped hole solves boot puzzle 

This is the story of four boots, several extraordinary women, Le Drop, and a panic attack.

Billy Keane: I became a Dad instead of a lad and missed the bus 

It was in the summer of 1988 and Herself was slightly pregnant. The baby was due in July and the Euros were scheduled to start in June.

Mayo haven't gone away you know 

I travelled to Limerick to check if Mayo were still contenders and to try to find some signs of hope for our near neighbours, the locals. The day was hot. The Bedouin would be eating 99s in this heat.

Billy Keane: Kerry kids are maturing fast as Banner flies at half-mast 

The Clare supporters came over by boat yesterday morning for the big game against Kerry. The Shannon is all that separates us from the Banner but in another way the big river links us.

Billy Keane: Old rivals Munster and Leinster fight to the end on a day too hot for rugby 

One miserable point is all that was between Munster and finally a final. That's seven semis in a row lost and gone.

Four-star generals shed tears of joy after Battle of Bilbao 

Leinster had to offer up body and soul as a sacrificial offering in what was a savage game of rugby.

Four-star dining on rocky road to Bilbao 

I will stowaway my way through the Basque country of France and Spain with the Leinster fans.

Game-changers deserve to bow out on their own terms 

It was time to go, they decided. It was time to start a new phase in life. The jump jockeys jumped, they weren't pushed. The old rugby warrior could have played on for another year. They were the ones who wrote their own P45.

Racing's class puts guillotine to dream of All-Ireland final 

Racing were better, bigger, faster, classier and craftier. Munster were gutsy, and gallant. We just didn't start well and Racing knew where to strike.

K.O. for Kenny as the real Kenneth Egan enters ring 

How many stories have started out with 'a man walks into a bar'? The man who walked into John B's on Thursday night last is an alcoholic. There's this terrible feeling when someone you know breaks out. Maybe the words should read 'broke in' and the break in is to the prison that is alcoholism.

Billy Keane: Little Anna just wants to kick a ball for Mourneabbey 

Seven-year-old Mourneabbey footballer Anna Browne suffers from cerebral palsy. Anna needs an operation, and it will cost a lot.

Billy Keane: We are family in Limerick's Galilee as Munster stage a miracle 

The resurrection came a day early to Thomond Park. Dead and gone became fresh and fair with only three minutes to go. The Shannon is the Jordan and Lough Derg is The Sea of Galilee. From now on Lent will be 39 days long, and the children will tear in to the chocolate eggs on Easter Saturday morning.

Billy Keane: Players do it for days when Toulon come to Thomond 

Jacob Stockdale's mother read the lines of her palms like a fortune teller. The poor woman spent nearly all of that Grand Slam match in Twickenham with her head buried in both hands.

Billy Keane: Johnny Sexton's dad in long-johns and Bundee's bodhrán led the way on memorable weekend 

The weather was so cold the polar bears in London zoo wore long-johns and the penguins donned a second pair of socks. So did Jonathan Sexton's dad.

Cheltenham prospect Ellie Mac is more than just a horse - she's a young boy's dream 

Ellie Mac is more than just a horse. She is a young boy's dream.

Dublin five-in-a-row fears have Kerry in meltdown 

The snowmen are melting in Kerry this morning. Ours has lost his nose and soon enough the carrot will be in the pot. We dressed him in green and gold, and there's no image that expresses the transient and the ephemeral more than the melting of a snow man.

Billy Keane: Good to see Generation Joe making all the right mistakes 

We are on top of the Six Nations now and every game day is a national holiday. This is the spring of the Six St Patrick's Days and the six no longer long Good Fridays.

Billy Keane: Farewell Mike Lawlee, the local character who loved to help others 

The street-scape changes forever when a small-town street man dies. I see him now rushing from his van - the one with the road visible under the floor, and the sliding door that wouldn't slide.

Comment: Swelled-head syndrome not a problem in Ireland's ranks 

There was a national obsession with the prevention of the swelled head when I was a boy and well beyond that.

Billy Keane: Hope springs for Clifford, but Fitzmaurice in need of a one-year plan 

Nearly 11,000 came to Killarney. Kerry were missing 19 players. Donegal finished up with 13 men; Kerry ended with 14, and won by just one point.

Billy Keane: Munster rain supreme as they home in on big prize 

When we saw the state of the pitch, with pools of water, and a puddle up the middle, some of us thought there would be little chance of scoring four tries on such a bad day.

Billy Keane: Men like Micko can help keep the rest of us going 

Mick O'Dwyer had us dreaming of glory days. Players have their day, managers come and managers go, but Mick O'Dwyer went on forever.

Billy Keane: Sheep-like pundits have no right to savage Pogba 

We are gathered here today, dearly beloved brethren, on this the first Monday after the 12 days of Christmas. The work of the prophet is not confined to Sundays.

Billy Keane: Dublin a sure thing to win again - and I hope you all become an awful man in the year ahead 

The main resolution for 2018 is to become 'an awful man'. You're in the pub. Some lad you know is sitting nearby and you send him over a pint.

Billy Keane - St Stephen, boxing and the madness of King George 

For years I thought Boxing Day was so called because lads went walloping each other late at night on the Feast of St Stephen. Boxing Day is so called because this was the day for giving Christmas boxes. We were given the tradition of the day out on the 26th by the English.

Presents galore at Welford Road but commitment of our new men is greatest gift of all 

It was tough. It was tight. We got a fright. But Munster won in Leicester, the Munster of England.

Billy Keane: Ground work of smaller men makes difference on big stage 

There's an old saying, which I have just made up this very second, but it does sound like a real old saying. It goes, "when the scraps fall to the floor, the hungriest dog gets more".

Comment: Money talks but it doesn't dance the rolling maul 

Munster will be up far past their play-time next Saturday when they take on Leicester in the Champions Cup.

Billy Keane: The 1997 Kerry reunion reaffirms forever friends 

The 1997 Kerry team met up in Paidi's and, within a few minutes, the players slipped back in to each others company as easily as a favourite fireside chair.

Billy Keane: Celtic cousins betray us in our hour of need 

It's been a bad week for sports fans in this country. The Danes got even for Clontarf and the French bought a World Cup from the greedy Celts.

Billy Keane - Toiling through a triple shift in womb cocoon of the couch 

I was that long up on the couch yesterday, Herself was going to send for the fire brigade to bring me down. Like as in if a cat got stuck up a tree.

Billy Keane: Shame on World Rugby for putting money first 

World Rugby placed Ireland third of three. World Rugby didn't get the value of bringing rugby back to the people.

Comment: The GAA should stay out of Ballyragget scandal - the young lads have suffered enough 

The friendly Kilkenny village of Ballyragget has been in the headlines for all the wrong reasons.

Billy Keane: The GAA is probably best served by cute hoorism at this stage 

I have never heard so many expressions of support for the men and women who define our GAA borders.

Billy Keane: Axel impact not just in heaven but here with Munster 

Munster have just escaped from Castres with an unlikely draw. We could easily have been two penalty tries down and two players short before thirsty men who take a long time to pee had time to take up their seats.

Billy Keane: Cure badly needed for epidemic of tactical sameness 

When we were kids everyone had his or her own place at the dinner table. And yes dinner was in the middle of the day.

In Mike Shine's house, the bitches always come first 

Mom slept at the foot of Mike Shine's bed every night, and when she died his toes were cold in the winter. But what Mike missed most of all was the best friendship.

Billy Keane: Search for justice goes on for Mayo's loyal followers 

It was barman's dawn. And I was still in the cot at 11 o'clock, worn out from talking s**te and pulling pints.

Billy Keane: Gavin's troops now immortal but Mayo win nation's hearts 

Dublin won the three in a row on a sunny autumn Sunday in Croke Park and so it is that this team joins the ranks of the football immortals.

From Bregawn to the bog 

I can hear the clattering of bottles being stuck in to their coffins down below in the back yard. In a few hours the doors will open for the biggest week of the year here in Listowel.

Billy Keane: Unsung heroes pen their own ballads as Mayo hold all the aces in game of cards 

When I was a boy, listening away in the bunk -bed bedroom up over our pub, I used to think the song I heard from down below was the Boston Burger, but it was really the 'Boston Burglar'.

Billy Keane: Aidan should have been left free to rampage - it was like asking Van Gogh to paint the porch 

There were mistakes and misses on a rainy day, but what this game did have was valour, four goals and the best Andy Moran dancing since Gene Kelly, of Mayo stock, ran up the walls in Singing in the Rain.

The pitch invader against Kerry, fancy dress to beat Croker ban and spooky story that will have Mayo fans dreaming 

There's no lamentations out of Big Mick Barrett, the man who jumped the Walls of Limerick.

Billy Keane - Hard road from the shadows to the spotlight for women's rugby in Ireland 

The co-ordinates of time, place and people are never forgotten when our team wins big, but there's no come-all-ye yet for the Irish heroines of Marcoussis.

Tips for aspiring writers: put bum in seat and 'just write the feckin' thing' 

They were hardy souls, those old poets. A good few of them used to come in to the pub and they didn't hate the drink.

Kingdom 'badly in need of the run' ahead of semi-final 

This is written live. From a house at the foot of The Conor Pass. If I went to Croke Park for the Kerry-Galway game, I would have had to miss the after party of my daughter's wedding.

Billy Keane: Lazarus rose only once, Mayo do it nearly every week 

The cast-aside footballers of Cork reclaimed the rebel within and Mayo as ever showed they are by some way the most resilient team that has ever played the game.

Billy Keane: Bob Marley Gaels honour the jersey in bishop's field 

St Patrick was counting sheep to get to sleep when Carlow had their last long run in the All-Ireland championship. There was no nodding off in Netwatch Cullen Park on Saturday night. Carlow put it up to Monaghan, who were in mortal danger for over an hour, and if there's glory to be had in defeat, well then this was a glorious defeat.

Don't cry over your wine and your hummus dip when rural pubs vanish 

The new drink-driving bill is on the way in and many of my friends will lose their businesses as a result of the reduction in the drink-drive limits.

'Was what I said to Kieran Read picked up on sound?' - Sexton had some choice words for All Black 

Off came his Lions jersey, for the last time, in the Paradise Lost of Eden Park. Jonathan Sexton was still trying to figure out if a draw was a victory or defeat.

Billy Keane: New Zealand hold no fear for Sexton after surviving the mannequin challenge 

My mam said to me, not long before she died, that one morning when I was an even smaller small boy than I am now, I told her there were pictures on my pillow.

Political spiel is a vastly different language to the one we all know and love 

The DUP is back up on the high horse looking down like King Billy at the Boyne.

The Lions have still got some hope of success in the mighty jungle 

The Lions haven't even a song or an anthem of their very own.

'Putin has every hope the 12-week ban will be overturned because his name wasn't spelled in Irish. More instability' 

The Continuity KGB were caught rotten when they went interfering in the US presidential election, and Moscow is trying to sneakily nick bits of the countries next door like a greedy turfcutter moving barbed wire fences in the bog.

Billy Keane: Bonny Banner boys play with real pride and skill but Kerry have all the resources on the bench to book their place in decider 

The journey over the big river was well worth the crossing and the togging out in winter onesies. Clare gave Kerry plenty of it.

Travel stiffness keeps Lions awake when they should have been sleeping 

I'm not sure if I would like to go on the summer holidays to a place where it rains and the cold gets in to your bones. Thousands upon thousands have gone off to New Zealand to cheer on the Lions.

Billy Keane: The day of Foley forever 

I'm thinking right now that the best thing about getting a good hiding is you know where you stand. There are no ifs, buts or maybes. Down we are, but not for long. In Munster the fall is the beginning of the getting up.

Reds running on empty in closing act of surreal season 

The ball tiptoes almost apologetically towards Simon Zebo, standing alone just inside his 22-metre line.

Billy Keane: Departing Munster heroes write their own Hollywood farewell 

The Munster team tried their best to hoist Donnacha Ryan up on their shoulders for a farewell lap around the ground.

Billy Keane - The jersey comes first in the battle between husband and county 

The feed was banged on top of the table, without so much as a word. The new diet had caused some friction.

Billy Keane: 'Maybe' often the first word in the story of Kerry hurling 

Kerry played Laois in the Leinster Championship in Austin Stack Park in Tralee yesterday. Yes, Tralee is in Leinster. New York and London are in Connacht and The Glens of Antrim are part of Greater Leinster.

Billy Keane: They’ll never walk alone - why Ireland is no longer afraid to talk about suicide 

The only day we get to stroll through the dark parks and pathways in the company of old and new souls is almost upon us. ‘Darkness into Light’ is the annual walk through the darkest hour of the night, the hour just before dawn when the black of the sky gives way to lighting up time.

Comment: Katie denied support she deserves in a man's world 

There was a time when queens defeated their opponents by beheading them downtown in The Tower. Katie Taylor, the Queen of Boxing, cut up the bloodied German Nina Meinke at Wembley Stadium on Saturday.

Billy Keane: Munster bravehearts beaten but not broken 

I'd nearly have left out wasp food for him from the pet shop if Munster had beaten Saracens and made it through to the European Champions Cup final.

Billy Keane: Big guns have the ammunition to quell any uprising of the little men 

The British Army weren't likely to be caught out for a second time on this day 100 years ago. The year before, in 1916, the army were on the lash at the Irish Grand National in Fairyhouse when the rebels were taking over Dublin.

Billy Keane: Tug-of-war tactics out window as forward-thinking old rivals turn back-passers into Flat Earth Society 

The Kerry-Dublin story never ends. The story is one of heroism, glory, skill, drama, conflict, controversy, victory, defeat and yes, respect too.

Burning tenners on the Grand National before Jong-un nukes us all 

The Man Who Knows Everything tells me Kim Jong-un has missiles at the ready to bomb the United States. "All he has left to do is to pick the colour of the paint," my acquaintance says.

Toulouse slow-punctured as Ryan inspires Reds in pursuit of glory for Foley 

I knew for sure Munster would win when my spotter noticed the cut grass lying down for ripening in a field too tiny for silage.

Billy Keane: Chairs a symbol of hope for women given help to rebuild their broken lives 

There I was, alone in the sitting room where broken lives are fixed, and stories never told before are told for the first time.

Billy Keane: The Matt is more important than Liam and Sam on Mother's Day in Brogan's 

I searched Dublin for Welsh soccer fans on Thursday last. There wasn't even one to be found on the eve of battle.

McGuinness certainly made the most of life's rare second chance 

The words redemption and forgiveness come straight from the lexicon of the Catholic Church. So do we forgive all sins, or none, or some? The first part of the Catholic process of forgiveness is sorrow and the second part is to make amends.

Billy Keane: Seeing the magic of The Hill on tour convinced me the Dubs should get out of Croker more often 

The Hill came on tour to Tralee on a night when their team moved mountains.

A redemption of sorts: The trial of Bishop Casey at Court of Pearly Gates 

Bishop Eamonn Casey was laid to rest in Galway on Thursday, but where will he end up? Let us imagine then we are sitting there in The Court of the Pearly Gates watching his case unfold. The case for the prosecution is strong.

Comment: It's no longer 'only the league' as Sky Blue Army march on Tralee 

The Dubs never bring their own sandwiches. And they don't own tea flasks or hip flasks either.

Billy Keane: Hurting men of Valleys make visitors pay in bumps and bruises 

The moon over Cardiff was washed in a passing grey cloud formation but it was still possible to make out the all but full shape.

Timeless tale of politics, survival, love, sex, death, betrayal - and fowl play 

This is a story of love, bullying, pecking orders, post-traumatic stress, betrayal, the abandonment of monogamy - if such a concept ever existed - death itself, and the shortest foreplay ever.

Let's break the cycle and drive Lycra Gaels indoors 

It will be Friday before we know it, goes the oft-spoken Monday morning consolation. And as you chip away at the quarry-face, remember it's only five days to go to Friday, as it always is on Mondays, Five days too is the journey time to Ireland versus Wales in the Six Nations.

Why Simon should take his batin' and say 'hooray, no one pays' 

The Irish people have the hump over the straw that broke the camel's back.

Billy Keane: French bring their big beasts but our gamekeepers refuse to go gentle into a good night 

I was watching an Attenborough from the sofa, which is a very safe place to be, unless there are bins to be put out.

How I'll save hurling from 'Fifty Shades' 

I'm pretty certain sex had to be given up in the old days. I do know weddings were banned during Lent. Definitely dances weren't allowed either by the Church.

Billy Keane: Exhausted after putting in a hefty mileage on my double shift in the womb in the room 

I travel the world here on this couch. It is my Tardis and I am a latter-day navigator who steers with the aid of a remote control. My chart is the TV page and I can cover a million miles in minutes. There are no soft or hard borders.

Heartfelt thanks after 25 years of a new ticker 

Brian Jaffray's new heart was stitched in to his chest 25 years and a few days ago. Brian isn't quite sure exactly who is the longest surviving heart transplant patient in Ireland, but he's right up there.