Billy Keane

'I am in favour of paying grants to our farmers, who work day and night with little if any financial security' (stock photo)

Billy Keane Opinion My message to The No Longer Irate Man - you only live once, you should make the most of it

I met a man on the strand who wanted to get something off his chest.

'The truth is Nphet don't really understand the workings of the GAA club.' Stock photo

Billy Keane Opinion The GAA has given in to Nphet - but the biggest danger at our local playing field is the midges

There's a small problem up at Nphet.

No tinkle of the shilling in the till: Billy Keane behind the bar at John B’s pub in Listowel, Co Kerry, which must remain shut for now – despite having been ‘Covid-proofed’. Pic: Mark Condren

Billy Keane Opinion A village without a pub is a dead village - so who will replace us when we're gone?

So there we were - all 3,000 of us, and our 20,000 co-workers - waiting in vain for the good news that never came.

'Maybe it was the orangutans who were descended from us' (stock image)

Billy Keane Opinion Orangutans will go bananas if provoked as they know revenge is best served hot and steaming

The question was an either or. Which, or who, is the more intelligent? Is it the greyhounds or the monkeys?

National Public Health Emergency Team (NPHET) for COVID-19 have advised the wearing of masks on all public transport and in shops. Photo: Garrett White/Collins Photo agency

Billy Keane Opinion Dr Ali's dying for Ireland is every bit as brave and patriotic as those who died in the GPO in 1916

I have a friend who went off the rails when he was in his twenties. He was fond of the drink. It was the custom that time for men who needed money for booze to do drug trials for a sum of money and two pint bottles of Guinness.

'It's the chicken nuggets that are keeping Covid at bay' (stock image)

Billy Keane Opinion Here's some food for thought - chicken nuggets being touted as a defence against the Covid

The antidote has been found and Michael Healy-Rae is claiming the Nobel Prize for medicine. But the chicken nugget is the new penicillin.

'You cannot run a pub if the customers do not back you.' Stock photo: Yui Mok/PA

Billy Keane Opinion The survival of our pubs depends on the best of behaviour - by publicans and customers alike

My mother was envious of those of you who live in what she called "private houses".

'I’m back working in the pub, getting the place ready for opening day on July 20, that’s if the small few restaurateur publicans and their customers who are breaking the rules behave themselves' (stock image)

Billy Keane Opinion I'm hopeless at the DIY, can't even change a plug - so don't expect me to fix broken biscuits

The Almighty created us on his day off. He was working from home, according to the Old Testament.

Brendan Walsh and Freddie McBride at the Man O’ War bar and restaurant in Balbriggan, Co Dublin PHOTO: MARK CONDREN

Billy Keane Opinion It was never about the drink - but the drink never tastes as good at home as in the pub

The first caller to The Palace Bar in Fleet Street was looking for before hours.

'I just took some time out there just now to check the hairdressers and it seems they are all booked out for next week. I’ll be like a yak in a few more days, but ladies first I always say.'

Billy Keane Opinion Don't tell the grown-ups but vain lads are now breaking windows just to be jailed and get a haircut

I'm well over the six foot now. Tall enough to be a garda I am. Big enough to get picked by Finn McCool is me. Paul O'Connell will ask me can I move seats so he can see the movie.

'I am worn out from answering the same question, and it is this: will you open up the pub on the June 29?' (Kirsty O’Connor/PA)

Billy Keane Opinion There's simply no avoiding a moaner on a mission with a hive of bees under their bonnet

Murty the Moaner has a hive of bees under his bonnet.

The country has seen a rise in domestic violence during the Covid-19 lockdown. (stock photo)

Billy Keane Opinion Dr Leo and Dr Tony lead from the front but it seems common sense is not all that common

Leo, we never knew you. But we do now.

The parrots are all voting for Trump. Throw in the serial racists who welcomed the murder of George Floyd and you can clearly see Covid is not the only pandemic that hit our world. Photo: Reuters/Tom Brenner

Billy Keane Opinion There's a proven vaccine for a virus that afflicts the parrots among us - read the newspaper

I don't think I could stick a parrot, especially if he or she was an African grey. We don't get on. Can you imagine how tough it would be to be living with someone who keeps on saying the same things over and over again?

'It's like being in a foreign city. No one makes eye contact.' Stock Image

Billy Keane Opinion A silent movie, with its dimly lit cast of mavericks - this is Dublin by night in the new old times

The only ones out on the night street were two policewomen riding giant horses, cavalries of mounted takeaway porters, the homeless three and a quare hawk.

'Do not despair. Pubs will breathe freedom again. Its a question of how and when.' (stock image)

Billy Keane Opinion My 'Fair City' lockdown lock-in at McCoys of Carrigstown gave a taste of problems pubs will face

By now I am sure some of you at least have seen last Monday night's 'Claire Byrne Live' on RTÉ One.

'Monday next will test out the patriotism of the nation.'

Billy Keane Opinion Love is in the air from Monday - just as long as the pheromones can travel at least two metres

Do any of ye happen to know what the pheromones are? I only learned what they were this week, when I read about a dating site based in Mullingar.

'There’s bound to be a world shortage of bananas at this rate of baking. Monkeys are falling off the trees with hunger, and rooms in the house are narrowing every day with all the coats of paint.' Stock photo

Billy Keane Opinion After an invitation from an Achill Island sheep farmer, it seems Mrs 39 has got her appetite back

Mrs 39 is still off the sex. The woman who hasn't had sex for 39 years, cocooned for months.

Keeping the spirits up: Billy Keane and his fellow publicans face an uncertain future due to the restrictions imposed as a result of the Covid-19 crisis. Photo: Mark Condren

Billy Keane Opinion Closing time will finally come to an end with a glass half full in last-chance saloon

It's the stories you miss most of all. And the brains. Pagans are praying and it's the longest some of us have been off the drink since our confirmation. Generally speaking I only repeat myself when I burp but here's one I've been dining out on for years..

Billy Keane

Billy Keane Opinion My message to The No Longer Irate Man - you only live once, you should make the most of it

Billy Keane Opinion The GAA has given in to Nphet - but the biggest danger at our local playing field is the midges

Billy Keane Opinion A village without a pub is a dead village - so who will replace us when we're gone?

Billy Keane Opinion Orangutans will go bananas if provoked as they know revenge is best served hot and steaming

Billy Keane Opinion Dr Ali's dying for Ireland is every bit as brave and patriotic as those who died in the GPO in 1916

Billy Keane Opinion Here's some food for thought - chicken nuggets being touted as a defence against the Covid

Billy Keane Opinion The survival of our pubs depends on the best of behaviour - by publicans and customers alike

Billy Keane Opinion I'm hopeless at the DIY, can't even change a plug - so don't expect me to fix broken biscuits

Billy Keane Opinion It was never about the drink - but the drink never tastes as good at home as in the pub

Billy Keane Opinion Don't tell the grown-ups but vain lads are now breaking windows just to be jailed and get a haircut

Billy Keane Opinion There's simply no avoiding a moaner on a mission with a hive of bees under their bonnet

Billy Keane Opinion Dr Leo and Dr Tony lead from the front but it seems common sense is not all that common

Billy Keane Opinion There's a proven vaccine for a virus that afflicts the parrots among us - read the newspaper

Billy Keane Opinion A silent movie, with its dimly lit cast of mavericks - this is Dublin by night in the new old times

Billy Keane Opinion My 'Fair City' lockdown lock-in at McCoys of Carrigstown gave a taste of problems pubs will face

Billy Keane Opinion Love is in the air from Monday - just as long as the pheromones can travel at least two metres

Billy Keane Opinion After an invitation from an Achill Island sheep farmer, it seems Mrs 39 has got her appetite back

Billy Keane Opinion Closing time will finally come to an end with a glass half full in last-chance saloon

Billy Keane Opinion Spare a thought for lockdown lovers and normal people who'd settle for a bite of fresh trout

Billy Keane Opinion Times are grim, especially for townie crows - but Fr Joe and the swallows always cheer me up

Billy Keane Opinion It's an Irish thing to show our love by slagging someone off - we are nice by saying horrible things

Billy Keane Opinion Painting is the new drinking in the age of Covid, as Ireland wraps itself in several fresh new coats

Holy lockdown - Batman's plight shows how things could be worse as we face the music and dance

Billy Keane Opinion Sport has hit the snooze button but keep faith in your newspapers until we rise again

Billy Keane Opinion It's a very tough time for all of us... especially now that the quare hawks are out in force

Billy Keane Opinion Staying powers in social-distancing stakes will keep show on the road

Billy Keane Opinion Mam's motto was the show must go on - and we will all answer Ireland's call in this time of crisis

Billy Keane Opinion Not quite Stade de France, but Listowel is the Paris of Ireland

Billy Keane Opinion I'd gladly self-isolate from The Man Who Knows Everything - and his plans to go hamping

Billy Keane Opinion Old Bog Road has fearless Brouder boys in prime shape