Highlights of the year
As Declan Lynch takes a look back at the year that was, our reporter lists some of the most memorable moments of 2016
1 EURO 2016
Bonjour Frenchies. It should be safe to come out of your houses now. The last of our soccer fans just flew back from Lyon, where they finally gave up trying to get a train-load of locals to sing Sean South From Garryowen. If they tried that here in Ireland, they would be labelled drunk scumbags and carted off the train by armed gardai at Limerick Junction. But when they do it abroad, it is classified as 'the crack' and shared four million times on Facebook, as further proof we're the Master Race.
The good news is that we're all going to live longer. The bad news is medicine in improving so fast, you might still be around in 2116. That means another year of reimagining Ireland. Jaysus. It will be mainly documentaries exploring what the men of 1916 would have made of our new, robotic overlords. And no, we don't mean the Germans. Although that would have come as a pleasant surprise to the men who took the GPO, says you, trying to open up old wounds.
A lot of the experts say we are about to lose our best friend in Europe. It makes you wonder what the Brits should have done to really piss us off. Lay on a second Famine? Revive the Irish language? Some say Brexit gives us an advantage, as we'll be the only English-speaking country in the EU. We say: the Netherlands. The Dutch speak perfect English, even though a lot of them are very, very high. (And we don't mean tall.)
4 DONALD TRUMP
We wake up to the shocking news the next US president is called Donald Trump. Spare a thought for Melania. She gets to wake up next to him. On what we can only assume are orange sheets. (Billionaires will do anything to save on the washing.) The bad news is that Donald's economic policies look like they could turn Ireland into an economic wasteland by 2020. The good news is his environmental policies mean we'll all be living on the moon by then. So cheer up.
5 DEAD STARS
David Bowie. Prince. And Pete Burns. It's like God watched an old episode of MT USA and said it's time to come home, rock gods. And Pete Burns. We also lost Terry Wogan. The British viewers were amazed at the deft way he used to handle a drunk George Best on TV. But then, being Irish, he was well used to a drunk stranger sitting down next to him and talking about the time he shagged Miss World. #Gottaloveourpubs
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