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Welcome to the new abnormal

Brendan O'Connor


 

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Current phase, tweaked: people allowed to go 5km for exercise. Cocooners, who were actually allowed to go for a walk before, are now allowed to go for a walk without getting dirty looks. Cocooners can go 5km from their houses like the rest of us, so they can walk 10km, there and back.

When they reach their 5km perimeter, they will hit an invisible force-field which administers an electric shock to them. While out walking, cocooners are to avoid making contact with, speaking to, or looking at other people.

Phase 1: Healthcare workers are allowed to get childcare. While everyone else understands why and remains very grateful to healthcare workers, people are to be permitted to get slightly jealous. Garden centres open. Security is required as people descend on them with cans and sausages and charcoal, and "accidentally" bump into their friends at the barbecue section. Builders to go back to work, which leads to panic buying and stockpiling of chicken fillets and baguettes. Hardware shops open. Many people buy items that could be used as weapons. Cocooners still just allowed to go for a walk. See conditions above. Non-family groups of four allowed to meet up. The resultant outdoor drinking sessions lead to spikes in disease so that we have to do Phase 1 three times before we move on to…