The other week, I went to a gorgeous wedding. It was a momentous occasion and not just because two fantastic people were getting hitched, but because it was also the first wedding I had been to with my children in tow.
And let me tell you, going to a wedding as a childless, carefree person is a very different vibe than going to a wedding with an infant strapped to your chest or a toddler screaming in your face.
This is partially because you know the carefree wedding rule book by heart. It goes something like this: arrive/make small talk/vows/photos/drinks reception/ dinner/speeches/ dancing/midnight sandwiches and bed.
All that is gone when you have kids with you. There is no handy user manual for being on the kids table. So here are the pros and cons of bringing small humans to a wedding, as well as a handy survival guide.
You will get two dinners. Hurray!
One is for your child, but they will refuse to eat any of it because they become mini-tyrants in public. The other meal is for you. The kids meal will be sausage and chips. You will not get two desserts because your child will eat them both.
You will not have time to get drunk — you are too busy trying to stop children from knocking over trays of prosecco or putting their sticky hands on the bride’s dress.
You will miss the speeches
This can be both a pro and a con. During the course of the meal, you and (hopefully) the other people at your table will perform a sort of relay race of childcare. You will carry a child out of the room and distract them, before bringing them back and handing them, like a baton, to another adult. And repeat. Tedious? Yes, but also useful if speeches start to drag (and they always start to drag).
Leave the drinks reception
Go anywhere and sleep. Your children must sleep at some stage during the day. If they don’t, they will enter a stratospheric level of hyperdom around 6pm. You do not want this to happen.
They will break something
No matter how cautious you are. Pray that it is inexpensive and no one sees.
iPads, a colouring book, a kazoo, action figures, bubble machines, kinetic sand — whatever it takes.
Stick with other parents
They are your exhausted comrades and will not wince when a baby cries or if a toddler projectile vomits in front of them. Plus, there is no awkward small talk about the weather or politics. Instead, you can rank the best kids TV shows (Bluey is number one).
You will miss the gossip
Source someone who is good for intel and hit them up the following day.
Leave when you want
It is the only time at a wedding when you can scoot off in the middle of the vows and no one will bat an eyelid.
That’s a good thing. Weddings can be formulaic and forgettable — kids make them weird and stressful, but also wonderful. Plus, they also look hilariously cute in formal wear, and that is reason enough to bring them.
Kim Kardashian revealed this week the moment she realised her boyfriend comedian Pete Davison was someone really special.
Kim told Jimmy Fallon this week that they have bonded over their respective and long-held passion for dermatology — a story she chose to share while promoting her new skincare line. What a complete and utter coincidence!
Anyway, Kim told Fallon: “That’s, like, one of our major bonding things. We go to dermatologists together. We inject our pimples together at the same time.”
She added: “I knew it was special when I fell asleep and I kept on talking about it all night, like, ‘Oh, my god. I have this pimple, I have this pimple, don’t let me fall asleep, I have to put pimple medicine on it before I go to sleep’.
“I fell sleep, forgot, woke up in the morning with dried pimple medicine on my face.”
The audience let out a collective ‘Aww’ when she told the story.
I don’t want to be too cynical, but this has to be a contender for the most bizarre celebrity ‘They’re the one’ love stories. Up there with Kate Winslet meeting her future husband while fleeing a house fire. However, even that’s preferable to Kim’s tale.
The thought of someone slathering niacinamide on your face while you sleep just doesn’t sound as romantic as getting a bunch of flowers, but maybe I’m a traditionalist?
Jennifer Aniston has been accused of gatekeeping fame when she criticised Paris Hilton and others for getting famous for doing nothing.
The former Friends star was discussing the Pamela Anderson sex tape from the 90s and said: “It was right at the time when the internet really shaped a new culture about people becoming famous. This thing of people becoming famous for basically doing nothing.”
She then cited Paris Hilton as an example. What about The Simple Life, cameos in The Real Housewives or her 2006 track Stars Are Born? She’s done plenty, Jen.