Welcome to Ireland, the safest little country in the world in which not to catch coronavirus. You may have lost your job and your sanity and your future, but the chances of you getting the virus in the community are now virtually zero.
Some people have questioned why, with an R0 number lower than most, loads of empty hospitals and a testing and tracing set-up that is the envy of our neighbours, we wouldn't think of opening up the country a bit faster. But that would ruin our USP, which is that you have very little chance of catching coronavirus here.
We could use this to attract tourists, except they might be put off by the fact that they would be more or less arrested when they arrive in the country.
We in Ireland stand over our slow and steady approach to easing lockdown, though we have tweaked it slightly. Here are the new phases in keeping Ireland safe for coronavirus:
Phase 1 (which we are currently in): Gangs of young lads are allowed out again to terrorise everyone else. Some of them will have had weekend jobs in the old world so they have 350 quid in their pockets to spend on cider and bikes on which to weave in and out between women with prams who've managed to break out of the house for half an hour. Winners in this stage are garden centres and hardware stores. This has hit sales of garden supplies in the supermarkets, who had incorporated garden centres into their shops recently. Hardware stores are also doing well, selling homeware while the homeware shops aren't allowed to.
Phase 2: In three months or so, when we have deemed Phase 1 to be safe, we may move to Phase 2. In this phase, people will be advised to stop wearing scrubby leisurewear and will be asked to transition back into wearing proper clothing. Gardai will enforce the clothing measures, but not in a heavy-handed way. Homeware shops will be allowed to open again, but not any other shops. Homeware shops will start selling shoes and clothes while the shoe and clothing shops have to stay closed. Limited dickying up will be allowed, but with no more than four people and not more than 5km from your house. Cocooners will not be allowed to dicky up yet at this point.
Phase 3: People will be allowed to go 20km from their house. You can hug your granny if she lives within 20km but you are not to use her toilet. Therefore, if she offers you tea, best to refuse.
Phase 4: Our ancestors will have taken up the mantle of safety by Phase 4. There will be problems communicating though, because they will never have learnt to speak to other human beings. Families will long ago have run out of any inclination to say anything to each other. But everyone will have very clean hands.