Martina Devlin: 'Europe? Great place, they really love me over there, they know a classy guy when they see one'
Ireland loves me. France loves me. Britain loves me. Oh boy, their royals really love me, apart from that loser Meghan Markle but nobody cares about her. I got a bond with those countries - a special, special bond. It's beautiful.
Madame Macron totally loves me - couldn't take her eyes off me in Normandy-France, I saw her. Obviously I couldn't ask for her number with Melania there. But she's mad about me, believe me. I could feel it.
Everywhere I went I was king of the world, top of the heap. I may not be a blue blood but I'm the sultan of schmooze. Those Europeans lapped up my charm. They recognise class when they see it. There was none of that whining I get in the States (those fake news morons really grind my gears).
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They loved me best in Ireland, especially Doonbeg. Guess they'll probably put up a statue to me in the main street. Maybe they'll change Doonbeg's name to Trumpsville. Suck it up, Obama. Your Obama Plaza's only a gas station.
When I needed a rest from schmoozing I sent out two of my boys to pick up the slack. Gave them a couple of hundred bucks pocket money each and said buy drinks for everyone. I watched it on the TV news. Trumps to a T, my boys. Have I started a dynasty or have I started a dynasty?
Some of the locals mixed me up with President Reagan and raised their glasses to Ronald Trump but I let it pass. At first I felt like going on Twitter to set them straight but then I thought, Reagan was a tough Republican like me and a good-looking guy like me. Sure, why not Ronald Trump?
I took care of some of their problems when I was over in Europe. I don't just believe in Making American Great Again, I can do it for other countries. I got the special Make Things Great touch.
Brexit? I told them it's gonna be very, very good for Ireland. Here's what you do. Build a wall between Northern Ireland and the Republic. Then charge people for passing through. There's big bucks in it, I said. Millions and billions - and that's a lot of money. But have hundreds of guards, no make it thousands, and keep all the losers out.
The Irish were grateful, I could tell. That prime minister of theirs, Leo, the one who knows nothing about golf (loser) just stared at me, too overcome to speak. Then he kinda pulled himself together and mumbled something about not wanting any walls.
I was gracious. It's just how I am. Oh sure, I said. Whatever. I got that he'd wanted me to wait before I fixed things for Ireland. Make it look like we talked it over during the bilateral and both of us came up with the answer.
No hard feelings - I gave him some of my leadership tips later in private. He's a newbie to this Being Great business. Me, I'm a natural. He's got an election coming up soon so I told him, you just gotta nail the opposition to the wall. Keep pressing their buttons and pretty soon some of them will turn red. Kid couldn't find the words to thank me.
Macron too - I helped him out. Told him how to make things right with the Yellow Vest situation. Listen up because I'm richer and smarter than you, I said. You gotta own this who's-in-charge space. Here's what you do. Deport them. "But I can't, they're French citizens," he bleated. So strip 'em of citizenship, I said. D'oh!
I went down huge with the war veterans. It was tremendous. They know how to salute a commander-in-chief, believe me. I got nothing but respect from them. Obviously I respect them too - but more important, they respect me. Some of those old-timers teared up, talking about their buddies that didn't make it, but here's what I told them. You did real good on D-Day. Your dead buddies did real good. You all kicked Nazi ass.
It was great for the woman running Britain to meet the Leader of the Free World. It's not every day Queen Elizabeth gets to hang out with someone as important as me. And though I'm super-busy I make time to be nice. While I was in London-England I dropped in on that other British woman too - the one in Downing Street. What's her name? Nope, it's gone. Just like her.
Queen Elizabeth is an amazing woman but I guess she's not as young as she was. She didn't hear me when I asked what her net worth was. That's OK, probably she isn't much richer than me. Maybe a little but only because of the palaces. But does she have golf resorts? Hey, have I mentioned my place in Doonbeg? Incredible spot to stay, people should check it out.
I liked meeting the royals best when I was in Europe. Prince Charles - he's the Apprentice - asked my advice on how to inspect a guard of honour. So I showed him with some of their guys in bearskin hats. The whaddya-call-ems, Household Guard. I said you just hold in your belly, walk along the line, stop once in a while and say hey buddy, what's up? Charles promised he'd remember for next time.
He's OK, Charles. Doesn't eat enough steak and wears too much bling but nobody's perfect. I thought he had too many medals pulling down his lapels. Not like me, I'm a classy guy. I keep it simple. Hairspray, a tie from the Trump Collection, a Stars and Stripes badge, another burst of hairspray and I'm good to go. No wonder chicks can't resist me.
Did I mention the chemistry between me and Madame Macron? I call her Brigitte, it's my special name for her. She loves it.
Too bad about Angela Merkel. What a zero. Last time we met at the G-7 in Canada I showed her who's boss. She's had a sour face ever since. Tried to gang up on me with her puppy dog Trudeau, pressuring me to sign something. So I put my hand in my pocket as though reaching for a pen, took out a couple of Starburst candies and threw them on the table. Don't say I never give you anything, I told her. That showed her.
Merkel's the only European leader who doesn't love me but I can live with that. I could have her eating out of my hand if I wanted. But life's too short.
Yeah, that was one stupendous trip. Can I schmooze or can I schmooze? I won bigtime in Europe - matter of fact, I almost got tired of winning. Almost.
Great place. They need a few more golf resorts though.