John Masterson: 'Lose your temper, lose the argument and lose respect'

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John Masterson

July 01 2019 02:30 AM

I once spent a very unpleasant half hour curled up in bed after midnight listening to a domestic dispute next door. Many houses are not well sound-proofed but the couple were long past caring whether anyone could hear or not. I was not in my own house so I did not know the people. It was unsettling, even frightening. There was shouting and cursing and a lot of noise. It never entered my head to call the police. Nor did I bang on the wall. Somehow, I felt that this would run its course and that no one would get hurt. And so it did. While there was loss of control, they were not totally out of control. There were limits. I was once told by an employee in a large institution that no matter how bad a fight was the television would never be broken! The argument next door fizzled out. I have no idea if they did not speak for days or made mad passionate love. The walls were not that thin.

I wonder would I react in the same way today? Would I call the police? I think I would be a lot more likely to now than a decade ago. And not just because I am more in need of a good night's sleep these days. But would I knock on the door myself? Probably not. Would my behaviour be any different if I knew one of the people shouting was a senior public figure? Would I take out my phone and record the fracas? I suspect not.

A man losing his temper with a woman is usually a narcissistic bully. He is wrapped up in himself and his own emotions. He loses his temper when he thinks he can get away with it. Despite whatever profuse apologies that are later offered the likelihood is that it will happen again. It is not as if we 'have a temper' in the same way as we have good eyesight or a 32-inch waist. I believe there is an element of choice. The person with a dreadful temper will control themselves when they know it will not be tolerated.

I don't think I have a temper. Put another way, I choose not to lose control. That does not mean I do not feel as passionately as people who shout and scream. I have strong beliefs and things that I care deeply about. I admire the type of passion that keeps a person motivated and determined to excel. But I have no time for the indulgent loss of self control that can be the other side of the coin. By and large if you lose your temper you lose the argument, and you lose respect. There is a difference between controlled anger and a temper tantrum.

We all know fiery people. And we all know people who can be provoked. Press a few buttons and they will lose it. When people get angry they get stupid, develop tunnel vision and say the same thing over and over again. They are handing over control to the other person. It is worth remembering the oft-repeated observation that if you keep talking when you are angry "you will make the best speech you will ever regret".

We want passion in our sports heroes but that does not include biting or butting the opponents. I was on a long golf-watching binge when one of the players got a bit over-excited. OK, it wasn't a great shot. I was not impressed and neither was the commentator. "I don't like that. Get over yourself," he offered.

I once worked in an office where some colleagues were known for heated exchanges. The person who shouted loudest would have claimed it was because they really cared about this work matter and that no one else cared as much, or appreciated the importance of the issue. While the ding-dong progressed observers kept their heads down and were glad they were not on the receiving end. Did anybody respect the behaviour? I doubt it. Fights may be high on name calling but are usually low on reason.

Robertson Davies was a Canadian novelist who I always enjoyed reading. Remember what happened to the money changers in the temple? Davies summed it up: "Jesus had a terrible temper, undoubtedly inherited from his father."

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