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I'm hopeless at the DIY, can't even change a plug - so don't expect me to fix broken biscuits

Billy Keane


Keane's Kingdom

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'I’m back working in the pub, getting the place ready for opening day on July 20, that’s if the small few restaurateur publicans and their customers who are breaking the rules behave themselves' (stock image)

'I’m back working in the pub, getting the place ready for opening day on July 20, that’s if the small few restaurateur publicans and their customers who are breaking the rules behave themselves' (stock image)

'I’m back working in the pub, getting the place ready for opening day on July 20, that’s if the small few restaurateur publicans and their customers who are breaking the rules behave themselves' (stock image)

The Almighty created us on his day off. He was working from home, according to the Old Testament.

The creator granted me two unique gifts on the day I was made. The first is an uncanny, almost supernatural ability to burp at will. The gift from God goes down very well at children's parties but how is it Beethoven was given an ear for music and Einstein's ability to do hard sums won him the 1921 Nobel Prize? Arthur Guinness has to be up there too.

I have a desperate mind for porter but I swore I would not break my fast until I could drink in my own pub from my favourite barrel. It could be hormonal, like as in when pregnant women have an insatiable desire for crisps in the middle of the night even though they could be suffering from morning sickness which lasts all day.